Here it is folks my “Gross Movie Reviews top ten list” of 2019. In reality they all are number one but in case you enjoy debating people until your face turns blue I put numbers in front of the films. What is really important is the worst film I watched this past year… Plus listen to the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast for our discussion on 2019.
- Anna and the Apocalypse (On Demand) – This is film is an absolute godsend from Scotland that smartly blends “High School Musical” and zombies in a fun and exciting way. Anna Shepard is going to be graduating soon and unlike her best friend who is going off to college she wants to travel. Of course her father isn’t all too happy and all Anna wants to do is get people out of ‘Thunder Balls’ bowling alley sooner than later. Anna and friends not caring or not paying attention to the rest of the world as a strange virus has struck all the major cities and turning people into zombies. Once a lot of singing about their lives is done in the first 30 minutes of the film the group of friends are faced with the end of the world. The end of the world is bloody and brutal but don’t let this film fool you as certain characters die off when you are not expecting. I absolutely loved the flow of the horror musical and how it is presented. Good chance this will show up my ‘Best of 2019’ as I give it 4 stars.
- Commando Ninja (YouTube) – This absolute 4 star gem is from the mind Ben Combes. Ben decided to kickstart his love letter of a movie to 80s action movie genre. This film combines at least 20 different action film ideas into one movie. The film begins with a flashback of 1968 Vietnam where a recon team led by John Hunter is ambushed by ninjas with Predator vision. Then the story flashes forward to 1986 where John Hunter is approached by an old Green Beret vet to let him know the evil ninjas are back and John’s daughter gets kidnapped by these evil creatures. From there it flashes back and forth between 1968 and 1986 showing where John got his ninja training and how he tracks down the evil ninjas that took his daughter. But just when you thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous he has to time travel to the future in 1998 to get her back. Before I forget there are also dinosaurs and cyborgs in this film and the Trans-am in 1998 like the one in “Smokey in the Bandit”. This is a must own for any 80s action film lover as it leaves no stone unturned bringing its brilliant story to life. I give this project 4 stars and a front runner for one of the best films I have watched in 2019.
- Hexercise (Blu-ray/DVD) – So you claim you have seen everything? I bet you haven’t as a very talented Matt Cannon did a perfect job of bringing to life this homage to ‘aerobic horror movies’ from the late 80s. In August of 1969 a blood ritual is performed where the aerobics studio stands but it is stopped before completion. Twenty years pass and now there is a workout studio existing where a cute aerobics instructor named Kelly pricks her finger with her name tag. She bleeds on her boom box and floor and like black magic the ritual is back on! With this act Kelly has unleashed a demonic presence that is trying to kill all who work or attend the aerobics studio, including Kelly’s rapey boss. Everything is right about this film: the outfits, what I believe is a Commodore 64, lava lamp, T.V. and even the music makes this short film feel right. The twist on this homage is there is no dialogue as the actions of the characters tell the story. The film is in the same vein as the mid-2000s short film “The Misled Romance of Cannibal Girl and Incest Boy” and to me that is freakin awesome! I got to thank Matt Cannon for giving us horror freaks something we didn’t know we needed as I give this wonderful project 4 out of 4 stars. For more details on the film check out: www.facebook.com/Hexerciseordie .
- Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse (On Demand) – An absolute fun animated film with not your usual storyline. A young teen Miles Morales is bitten by a spider while working on his artwork in the subway with his uncle. Soon his world is flipped upside down when he meets Peter Parker and he is going to show Miles the ropes of being a Spider-man. But while Parker is fighting Kingpin he dies and Miles promises Peter he will destroy Fisk’s super-collider. Fisk wants his family back so bad he is willing to destroy the city of New York and possibly all of reality. But with the open portal to other realities several Spider-people come from parallel universes and they must help Miles face off against Kingpin and shut down the collider. The story of Miles is perfect as he must now be the Spider-man of his dimension. Two things made this film absolutely perfect for me. First, one of the alternate Spider-men is Peter B. Parker who is mid-40s, divorced, and out of shape. Second, spoiler alert people I finally get an appearance of Spider-man 2099 in a movie! This flick gets four stars all the way and I hope to see a possible sequel or just another story to expand this universe.
- Blood of the Mummy (DVD) – This latest low budget independent flick from the talented filmmaker Christine Parker has her reaching deep into the bag of horror. The film revolves around a beautiful woman named Louise. She has had a hard life ever since she witnessed the death of her parents who were digging up the tomb of Princess Ananka in Egypt. Since then during different times in Louise’s life the Mummy that killed everyone in the tomb when she was a child shows up as a weird ass protector killing those who have wronged Louise. Now in her late 20s Louise is at a mental health home still searching for answers about the Mummy and very upset her doctor does not believe her. For years Louise has thought she was cursed but now during shock therapy she may have found a link to her curse and why? This could have been Ms. Parker’s best film to date. On the slim budget she was able to bring together a great cast, a great story, and add some unexpected gore to the ‘mummy’ genre that doesn’t do much gore. I felt like this movie should be a little grainy because of how clean it looked (it felt old school). Christine and crew didn’t waste shots and really created a story where you cared for both the mummy and the Louise character. Kudos to Ms. Parker for bringing to life a wonderful take on an old school monster as I give the flick 4 out of 4 stars. www.facebook.com/christinepparker
- Triple Threat (On Demand) – A Chinese Heiress inherits an ungodly amount of money from her father. She decides to use it to fight crime syndicates so it is safe for people to play outside again and not be afraid. Of course she is going to face some fallout from this now she is hitting national television to talk about her plan. Cue the awesome “Predator-like” beginning scene of people being obliterated by an elite team of soldiers. The elite team is there for nefarious reasons and unleashes supposedly loose cannon that are hired to take out the Chinese Heiress. When two trackers who help this group were believed to be killed and meet a man who survived the attack and unlikely alliance is sort of made when they are forced to protect the heiress. This bad ass action flick is almost as fun as watching “The Expendables” and “The Raid”. Every action star in the flick gets their two minutes of beating some major ass and this is a must watch as I give it 4 stars. Tony Jaa, Tiger Hu Chen, Iko Uwais, Scott Adkins, and Michael Jai White should be in every action film as far as I am concerned as they made me say “Fuck Yeah” quite a few times during this flick.
- One Cut of the Dead (Shudder) – I was checking out this latest zombie project from Japan and wasn’t entirely impressed through the first twenty minutes or so as it seem like a lackluster Indy zombie project. But then the movie is turned on its head as the movie credits roll thirty minutes in and we go back a month before the project started where an average filmmaker is picked for a new TV project. Higurashi is a director who just tries to please everyone so for this new horror channel he is perfect in their minds for this project. They want a one continuous shot zombie project with no cuts and not using much money. So it takes the viewer throughout the inner workings of the project and how they made the finished product work. On top of that we get to see the subplot of Higurashi and his aspiring filmmaker daughter storyline all the through as it is tied up nicely in the end. This film has a great premise, lots of blood, and entertaining characters as this movie takes a very fresh take on the bloated zombie genre as I give it 4 stars.
- Little Monsters (On Demand) – Another amazing horror film comes from Australia, big surprise there… The film begins innocently enough about a man who has relationship and job trouble. When he and his girlfriend break up after nine years this sends David to live with his older sister and five year old kid. Of course Uncle David tries to be the cool Uncle but is very unsure what it is like to act like in front of kids. After David meets the kid’s teacher Miss Caroline, David immediately falls in love so he volunteers for a field trip a farm with the class. Believing this will help him get closer to Miss Caroline. Meanwhile, a U.S. military top secret facility is host to Project: Regeneration is right next to Pleasant Valley Farm where the kids’ field trip is at. Project: Regeneration has broken containment and unbeknownst to David and the kids, Teddy McGiggles turns into a real asshole when the zombie apocalypse happens! Miss Caroline’s goal is to keep the kids safe at all costs in this hilarious and light-hearted zombie flick. This is an absolutely lovable rewatchable zombie film that will most likely make my top ten list of 2019 as I give it 4 stars.
- Crawl (DVD) – A Category 5 hurricane is roaring through Florida and Haley is asked by her older sister to go check in on their father. He isn’t picking up the phone and the storm is getting worse. Even after everyone has been evacuated Haley chooses to risk her life to drive to their old house where she finds her father’s truck but he isn’t responding when she enters the house. Haley investigates further and heads into the crawlspace under the house where she finds her father out cold and injured. When Haley’s father comes too he warns her about the gators which Haley figures out quickly. As the water rise with the storm the more the gators become feisty! If the storm doesn’t kill them the gators from the gator farm will as they are feasting on anyone nearby. Wonderful gator effects! This has to be one of the best killer animal flicks since the old school “Alligator” as I give this 4 stars and for sure will be on my ‘Best of 2019’ list.
- Velocipastor (DVD) – Oh for the love of Rutger Hauer someone has been reading my mind again and I thank them as this movie exists! Young Pastor Doug loses his parents to a rogue car explosion before the opening credits. Being upset with God, Doug wants to find himself because this tragic event has made him question everything so he travels to China or someone’s backyard made to look like it for answers. There Doug is approached by a dying Chinese woman who scratches him with an artifact and calls him “Dragon Warrior”. After this event Pastor Doug finds himself back home at bed unsure of how he got there. Still unsure Pastor Doug takes a walk in the park where he transforms into a raptor that helps a hooker named Carol. Carol being appreciative takes Velocipastor home and tries to convince of what happened and what he can do with his new found powers. But meanwhile ninjas and Doug’s lost brother are all about bringing down our new found superhero! Does Doug become a crime fighting dinosaur or die at the hands of ninjas as give this beautiful movie is amazing and absolutely fucking hilarious as I give it 4 stars!
Needs to be mentioned just because:
Werewolf in a Woman’s Prison (DVD) – This 2006 mess of a film might be my sleeper hit of the year. If the actress playing Sarah looks familiar that is because a lot of Full Moon fans would know her as the sultry Batty Boop from the “Killjoy” films. Sarah out in the woods boinking her dude in the woods is disturbed by a creature. This creature happens to be a werewolf that tears up her boyfriend and leaving Sarah wounded. She awakes some time later in a prison for the criminally insane and finds out the boyfriend is dead and she is completely fucked as it’s a foreign country and they want to use her ass! The prison looks to imprison American women for their gain in this rip-off of “American Werewolf in London”. So with her new situation Sarah must learn to survive in her new rapey environment. After a fight and not making friends with most of her bunk buddies she transforms into a werewolf and turns the Canpuna prison into a bloodbath. This film is a large barrel of sleaze and cheese that follows Joe Bob Briggs famous three B’s so well it may make his brain explode as I give this absolutely nutzoid flick 4 stars! The topper is an unbelievable werewolf transformation scene at the end of the film that had no business being that good of a transformation. Don’t think just go watch and understand …
Worst fucking movie ever
The Car: Road to Revenge (DVD) – Yes folks it is a sequel to the evil classic of the late 70s. But that is where it ends as I may have found the ‘worst movie of 2019’ already! After a district attorney dies on top of his new ‘Lazarus One’ it appears the car comes to life and has his personality. It begins murdering all involved… Boring piece of monkey shit needs to vaporized from any studio catalog or movie fan’s as I give it zero stars. And for the person who thought somewhere this was a good idea do me and all movie lovers a favor and quit your job… NOW!
The Best Documentaries and the “Addison Binek” category of 2019!
- Dolemite is My Name (On Demand) – A biopic that tells the story of Rudy Ray Moore. Mr. Moore is played by none other than Eddie Murphy who basically decided it was time to let the world know about Rudy Ray Moore and his adventures… But also Eddie Murphy is back! The film takes us into the world of Rudy Ray Moore how like most of us had big dreams when he moved out west. But working at a record shop and working at night clubs as a comedian/MC wasn’t the ideal situation. One day an older man comes into the record shop telling hilarious stories and this is where Rudy sees something that he can become and Dolemite was born. Rudy Ray Moore is proof you can make it happen for yourself if you try. Mr. Moore went from a nobody to part of pop culture of the 70s. The cast for this biopic was amazing and this is most likely one of the best movies you will see in 2019 as I give 4 stars. To be honest only recently I have watched some of Rudy’s movies and thoroughly enjoyed them. I knew about Dolemite but always went on to watching some other Blaxploitation flick so shame on me. So don’t make that mistake and go watch this biopic and go check out the great Dolemite films!
- King Cohen: The Wild World of Filmmaker Larry Cohen (DVD) – A wild documentary that takes a long look into the career of a filmmaker that spawned many careers and has made many fun inspiring films. We all know about Roger Corman and his impact but Cohen may have been the second generation of being a maverick in filmmaking as he put his own twist on things. Cohen as a writer, producer, and director has had an impact of filmmaking whether people admit it or not. A great watch as many of Cohen’s peers tells some hilarious stories including Fred Williamson which pay attention what is being said between the two as I give this documentary 4 stars.
- Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror (Shudder) – A wonderful documentary that takes a look at how and why African-American roles in horror movies have changed so much. Lots of interviews from known actors and actresses that include Ken Foree and Tony Todd. They tackle the whole ‘blackface’ genre of the 30s and 40s to underground horror movies from African-American directors, to how African-Americans completely disappeared during the 50s and 60s in horror movies to Jordan Peele’s “Get Out”. Really cool stuff that was unknown to me about the cinema but makes me enjoy my time talking to Tony Todd about his role as ‘Candyman’ but also as Ben in ‘NOTLD90’. All horror fans should make sure they watch this as I give it 4 stars.
- To Hell and Back: The Kane Hodder Story (On Demand) – Kane Hodder goes through his life from everything to being bullied as a kid to what happened to him being Jason in the “Freddy vs. Jason” film. The biggest thing to take away from this documentary is Kane Hodder is one awesome dude but he finally sets the record straight about his burns. Kane goes into great horrific detail of what actually happen in 1977 and almost destroyed his career and him before it ever got started. Kane gets my respect and you don’t have to be a fan to enjoy this documentary about him as I give it 4 stars.
- Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild Untold Story of Ozploitation (DVD) – A documentary that dives into what started the revolution of filmmaking in Australia that really started in the late 60s and early 70s. Before that they really didn’t have a film industry but slowly filmmakers were starting to pop up and began to put together productions in all genres. George Miller and Brian Trenchard-Smith are two names that Americans know but they have several filmmakers, critics, and actors talk about the crazy times of filmmaking. Just another wonderful and fun documentary for film fans as I give it 4 stars.
- Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: Troma Edition (DVD) – Most likely Troma’s biggest fan Addison Binek known for his riffs on so many movies decided to put together a collection of Troma riffs. Now Addison being a smart dude didn’t just go for any Troma titles he went for the second tier! Maybe the lesser known to some to maybe open some eyes new to the Troma or Addison Binek world. Here is the list he tackles: Rabid Grannies, Hectic Knife, B.C. Butcher, Troma’s War, Getting Lucky, Redneck Zombies, Slaughter Party, and Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods. Now not all titles were from the minds of Lloyd and Mr. Herz but some brilliant pick-ups for the label a fun selection that makes you wonder where Addison gets all that Troma money for the props. And instead of condemning something of this nature Lloyd embraces Addison’s fandom and intelligence to put together a great product for all of us movie lovers to enjoy as once again I give his project 4 stars.
- Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 1 (DVD) – Okay if you haven’t heard of Addison Binek it is time you do. This dude does riff trax for flicks, all kinds of flicks and even got Lloyd Kaufmann’s blessing. In the same vein as MST3K but he does it in like 20 minutes or so for each flick. With his YouTube channel under attack by YouTube as many others are Addison has decided to put out DVD collections of some of his best Riffs and damn it they are hilarious. In this collection Addison covers: Sharktopus, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Snow Shark, Sharks in Venice, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Super Shark, Raiders of the Lost Shark, Psycho Shark, The Last Shark, and Creature from the Haunted Sea. He does these films in some of the most prop filled and hatred towards SyFy Channel I have ever seen… And I laughed my ass off! Mr. Binek doesn’t take them too serious but his hatred at times is his love for cinema just coming through and telling the truth that people don’t wanna hear. Addison is absolutely brilliant and hilarious and gave some awesome quotes like “Bloody shark hand stigmata” and “Oh, a found footage movie from the future, GREAT!” If you need a laugh and wanna hear what we all been thinking when watching these flicks then do yourself a favor with this 4 stars entertainment all the way.
- Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 2 (DVD) – Addison Binek is back riffing on aquatic animal movies to my liking and less angry and just accepts how bad some of these are. This time around Mr. Binek almost makes me piss myself laughing when he tackles: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Sharkansas Women’s Prison, Piranha 3DD, Shark Exorcist, and Blood Beach. Yeah there is still a little SyFy Channel bashing but we do get a great line like “Are those giant balls?” Instead of anger we get Addison just enjoying what these movies are and that is they are just bad which for me is a good thing as I give this collection 4 stars again all the way!
Any comments please send to firstname.lastname@example.org or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………
Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .
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