Gross Movie Reviews #491
Velocipastor (DVD) – Oh for the love of Rutger Hauer someone has been reading my mind again and I thank them as this movie exists! Young Pastor Doug loses his parents to a rogue car explosion before the opening credits. Being upset with God, Doug wants to find himself because this tragic event has made him question everything so he travels to China or someone’s backyard made to look like it for answers. There Doug is approached by a dying Chinese woman who scratches him with an artifact and calls him “Dragon Warrior”. After this event Pastor Doug finds himself back home at bed unsure of how he got there. Still unsure Pastor Doug takes a walk in the park where he transforms into a raptor that helps a hooker named Carol. Carol being appreciative takes Velocipastor home and tries to convince of what happened and what he can do with his new found powers. But meanwhile ninjas and Doug’s lost brother are all about bringing down our new found superhero! Does Doug become a crime fighting dinosaur or die at the hands of ninjas as give this beautiful movie is amazing and absolutely fucking hilarious as I give it 4 stars!
Spanish Chainsaw Massacre (DVD) – As I scrap the bottom of the barrel ‘massacre filmland’ I came across this abomination that has a bunch of random violent scenes and boobs during the first ten minutes of the picture that has nothing to do with the movie. So once you are past that we get the real plot which is barely 60 minutes long about the band ‘Metal Dicks or Cocks’? They use both names during the film so go with whatever penis name you are comfortable with. The band’s manager takes them on tour only to breakdown in a small village that just happens to be full of cannibals who don’t mind taking a bite out of a dong or two. Lots of very wacky and gory scenes of flesh-eating but is it really interesting? It is more disorienting with a few laughs as I give the film 1 star.
Bachelor Party Massacre (DVD) – Remember the independent film was made in 2006 so it was influenced by “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. If that doesn’t scare you off then knowing it takes ‘the raincoat killer’ 70 minutes to kill four dudes in an empty bar should as I give this badly produced flick a ½ star.
Killer Sofa (DVD) – A crazy dude named Fredrico who is obsessed with a dancer commits suicide to put his spirit into a recliner and for it to be sent to her when found. The recliner is sent to the dancer Francesca who is very accepting of the recliner but soon weird things begin to happen with the piece of killer furniture inside her apartment and she cannot explain it. The movie peaks about halfway through when it completely goes off the rails after killing Francesca’s boyfriend and start talking witches and other random shit of how this killer recliner came to be? Honestly why explain? It is a fucking movie called “Killer Sofa”! Stop over thinking the plot and just give me a sofa eating people, movie done! How fucking hard is it as I give this disappointing movie 1 ½ stars.
Murder by Death (DVD) – A 1976 murder/mystery/comedy that was most likely was the influence to the “Clue” movie that is so much fun. Five of the world’s finest detectives are brought together to a spooky mansion to solve a crime that hasn’t been committed yet. The detective that does win will win a million dollars. Great 70s all-star cast provide lots of hilarious moments to a film that may be lost on a generation or two of movie fans. If you’re a movie buff this film is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.
Deadtectives (Shudder) – A group of people who have faked a popular paranormal show for five seasons without ever finding any real ghosts! But now the show is tanking and if they don’t have an amazing finale they are going to be canceled. So the group against their wishes has a new producer and sent to Mexico to investigate Mexico’s most haunted place that has a history of people dying there. Not taking it seriously the group does their usual antics until they begin to figure out they are now facing real evil and may not live to tell anyone about it. The group must put their heads together to actually figure how to defeat the evil that resides in the house in order to leave… Funnier than I ever thought it would be as I give it 3 stars.
When the Fever Breaks (DVD) – An independent film that uses zombies as a minor back drop piece in a plot of how friends turn on each other. It begins with friends (one of them, George looks like a bootleg Karl Urban) escaping a horde of zombies to a secure house. People are turning from scratches more than bites and everyone is unsure if the chemical leak had anything to do with the apocalypse that has them running for their lives. Skye and Haley are the best of friends but soon become enemies as Skye is bitten and trapped in her garage with her daughter. Skye is already sentenced to death by friends just because of survival. The second half of the movie becomes more about Skye taking her home back and helping her daughter survive than zombies attacking the home. Again the zombies are just a backdrop here and I believe it to be a very cool thing that was well executed with a twist as I give the film 3 out of 4 stars.
Beyond the Law (DVD) – A 1968 spaghetti western starring the late great Lee Van Cleef who plays an outlaw named Cudlip who has two partners in crime who steal the miners’ payroll on its way to the small town Silvertown. Novak is a European man who was protecting the payroll and vows to go back to Greenstone to get the insurance payroll. Totally still looking for what may have happened to the payroll Novak meets Cudlip in the middle of the desert. They quickly become friends on different paths, Novak going to Greenstone to protect the payroll and Cudlip to steal it with his two friends. Everything goes to both plans until real time outlaws show up and start a shoot out to get the payroll. Thanks to Cudlip and friends it doesn’t happen but now the stakes are raised higher for Cudlip to decide if he wants to steal the silver or just become an honest man after he is made sheriff. Great spaghetti western with a great ending as you can never go wrong with Van Cleef as I give it 3 ½ stars.
The Grand Duel (DVD) – Some people might know this 1972 film under its other name “The Big Showdown”. Either way it stars Lee Van Cleef as a bad ass old sheriff who is looking to help a condemned young gunfighter. Sheriff Clayton lays his job on the line to defend the kid that is accused of a murder he did not commit. Cleef’s character must face off in a bloody duel with the potential president candidate in order to clear the young man’s name. Great back and forth scenes between Cleef and the young gunfighter as I give the flick 2 ½ stars.
Shoot’em Up (DVD) – A completely unrealistic comic bookish action film starring Clive Owen as Mr. Smith who is just minding his own business until a pregnant woman comes running past into an alley. She is tracked down by an unknown man who is trying to kill her. After Mr. Smith takes a bite of his carrot he decides to get involved and from the chaos begins and does not stop until the credits roll. Mr. Smith helps deliver the baby during a shootout with mobsters and escapes with the child who becomes known as Oliver after the mother is shot in the head. Mr. Smith is on the run with Oliver until he meets up with an old friend who happens to be a high priced hooker that feeds breast milk to dudes. No matter what Mr. Smith wants to protect the child for the mere reason a mob boss wants the baby. But if that wasn’t good enough I give you subplot of the baby is a part of some strange government bone marrow experiment for a presidential hopeful! The film blends the outrageous fun of 80s action films with a comic bookish storyline that completely works brilliantly to be enjoyed time after time as I now can take Clive Owen seriously and for that I give 3 stars.
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