Gross Movie Reviews #318

By Tim Gross

Snakeeater II: The Drug Buster (VHS) – Lorenzo Lamas is back as Jack aka Soldier who this time around is thrown of the police force for his excessive force against drug dealers. So he goes out on his own to take the city’s biggest drug lords down when a couple of teenagers from the dance club he oversees overdose. His sidekick who wants to clean up streets is none other than Larry B. Scott aka Lamar from the classic “Revenge of the Nerds”. Sounded like a good idea to check out the sequels since the first flick was pretty good… I was wrong. I give it 1 star.

Snakeeater III: His Law (VHS) – Lamas is back to reprise his role one more time in this no budget action flick that its only highlight is Bam Bam Bigelow getting electrocuted in his own shithouse! The first film was fun but two and three are just pure crap as they all but going for the quick buck in the early 90s. I give it 1 star.

Oldboy [remake] (OnDemand) – I am a big fan of the original chaotic classic so I was skeptical about the US version starring Josh Brolin playing the lead ‘Joe’. Joe drinks too much, hits on any woman that isn’t his wife, doesn’t care about his kid or really his job. One night during a bender he meets an Asian woman in the rain while knocking on a friend’s door. Next thing Joe knows is he is trapped in what looks to be a hotel room for 20 years. Over time Joe wants to escape and find his daughter. One night Joe is drugged and all cleaned up only to awake in a chest in the middle of nowhere with a wad of cash. Joe now decides he needs to track down everyone he has fucked over before he was kidnapped. Josh pulls the role off great and the film has some amazing action scenes but it misses the much chaotic charm the original had as it was something you couldn’t talk about or explain but witness… But with that said this remake is a fine movie also that I have to give 3 stars.

Ghosthouse (VHS) – Part Eye-talian, part US flick with a creepy ass clown, and wicked weird music that plays constantly when this little girl haunts an old house that people just happen to stumble upon because of their radio broadcasts. Horror fans creepy ass clown always makes the film worth one watch at least as I give it 2 stars.

Snitch (DVD) – Another film starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as it seems he poops out features daily? But the film is based on true events about a father who makes a deal with a government official to bring down a druglord and his money flow for the release of his son that was busted receiving drugs through the mail with intent to sell. Surprisingly, a good film for the “Rock” as he cements his star in the Hollywood action world. I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

Ghost Town (VHS) – A lost Charles Band produced flick from Empire Pictures in 1988 about a sheriff that gets sucked into the past by a ghostly wind and must bring down an undead villain in order to escape back to present day. If you are over the age of 30 you most likely would know the film from its cool box art that featured a skeleton cowboy on the cover. “Ghost Town” is one of the few Charles Band produced pictures that has failed to find its way onto a different format other than VHS, but you can find it on YouTube from time to time. I give the Old Empire Pictures flick 2 ½ stars.

Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (DVD) – Roger Corman produced sequel that stars Scott Valentine has the military trying to clean up the experimental dinosaurs that were mistaken for drugs or weapons when terrorists hi-jack the tractor trailer they were transported on. The dinosaurs eat the terrorists and pretty much spend their time eating mercenaries on a boat aka a warehouse at Corman’s studio in 1996. I give the boring flick 1 star.

Treasure of the Four Crowns (VHS) – An Italian/US/Spanish production trying to capitalize on Indiana Jones phenomenon in 1983 with a character named J.T. Stryker, on tenth of the budget, and in 3-D. The first twenty minutes of the film will simply make you shit yourself at all that is going on with Stryker. Simply put a mysterious man possibly government dude wants Stryker and his team to go steal some jewels that are in a couple crowns from a crazy cult leader named Jonas that might have the power for one being to rule the world. We got melting faces, fire shooting from hands, cult people, dogs that just appear in castle ruins and pissed, weird mutant monsters, and we have the over the top 80s 3-D that just makes this the perfect party movie. I give this flick 3 stars and this is a film that could find new life on Blu-Ray?

The Wolverine (DVD) – Marvel continues the X-men storyline with following Wolverine after killing Jean Grey and just wanting to be left alone. But he is seeked out by his old master in Japan because he wants to grant him one gift before dying and that is giving Logan a chance to grow old and die. It’s a decent film to move the story along but has seem to lose its luster as Marvel tries to tell the live action story of Logan who just happens to be one of comics most popular comic book characters ever. But its great popcorn entertainment for the kids as my daughter approves of the film especially when Magneto and Professor X greet Wolverine at the airport during the credits. I prefer the early X-men film but will give it 2 stars.

Heavy Metal Massacre (VHS) – A very small unknown independent horror film shot on video in 1989 by David DeFalco aka Bobbi Young in the film. I had to watch this flick just for the mere reason of its title but the cover also looks like late 80s Lita Ford holding a chainsaw! Besides seeing the boom mic in several scenes you have Bobbi Young hanging out at the local headbanger club looking all leather and studly looking for woman with their hair tease to the ceiling and wanting drugs. Once he lured his victims to his basement he murders them including one scene that Bobbi has a rubber sledgehammer (love it)! But what make this awesomely bad film hilarious is the two bumbling detectives who cannot figure out its Bobbi Young.  If you were any kind of metal fan back in the late 80s and early 90s do yourself a favor and track this son of a bitch down! I give it 1 ½ stars.

The Dead Beat Volume Two (VHS) – Thanks to “Out of Print Dan”, he tracked this down knowing I have talked about the first Post Mordum video magazine “The Dead Beat” which didn’t seem to exist or was very unknown to most horror movie fans. Volume Two is a fun and pleasant video featuring KNB guys explaining all their effects and how they work together so well, David J. Schow (always respected this dude) , Screaming Mad George talking about “The Guyver”,  Randy Cook speaks about “The Gate” and “I, Madman”, and they have a cool “Re-animator tribute. A great trip down memory lane for horror movie fans like me as I give it 4 stars.

The Dead Beat Volume Three (VHS) – Another great entry into this series that “Out of Print Dan” tracked down for me to review. This time around they Optic Nerve/John Vulich discuss make-up effects, Frank Darabont interview, Special set look at “The Unnamable 2”, and Clive Barker discusses “Hellraiser 1 thru 3”. Awesome stuff horror fans as I give it 4 stars also.

Sorority House Vampires from Hell 3-D Edition (DVD) – A boring vampire film from 2001 that was trying to capitalize on the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” craze with loads of topless women and vamps of course. The film comes off like a bad episode of the “Red Shoe Diaries” that never aired and might had a better chance in making an impact if they just went hardcore porn with this parody. I was just disappointed I had to watch it hoping it might have the charm of a Jim Wynorski film but I was wrong as I give it 0 stars.

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