Gross Movie Reviews #368
By Tim Gross
Deep Blood (YouTube) – Hey, I found a Joe D’Amato shark movie from 1989. A set of young friends make a pact and bury knives in the sand during a bonding experience. Years later the friends are older and forgotten the pact until a generic version of “Jaws” begins to play out and one of their friends is eaten. So they dig up the knives, hire a boat, and vow to kill the shark! Folks its bad, the kinda bad where it would only be good if you are drunk with friends and doing a commentary to it… Wait, I have an idea? Until then I give it 1 star.
Android Cop (DVD) – Michael Jai White and Charles Dutton are the latest victims to star in a bootleg version of the “Robocop” remake. Yep, you read that correctly cinema fans. Its 2037 or 2045, trailer and the film conflict so who fucking knows but Mr. White is forced to have a new partner after his old one is killed and it happens to be an android. On a mission for justice of saving the mayor’s daughter the two are screwed over by their department and must go through gang territory to survive. I want the time back that I wasted on watching this flick and I feel horrible for Michael Jai-White for being in this flick. I give the horrible flick 0 stars.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Theater) – Can’t be any worse than the prequels so I was in from the beginning as there is a new disturbance in the force. A new evil wants to pick up where Darth Vader left off and everyone is looking for Luke Skywalker as he just disappeared. I do not want to give too much away because I still feel a movie like this should be experienced. Allow that inner child to escape for two hours. It’s a popcorn flick. Not as good as the original but a lot of fun and a great set up of what is to come. I give the flick 3 stars.
Man on Fire (VHS/You Tube) – Before Denzel’s remake in 2004 there was this Italian version from 1987 that starred Scott Glenn. The film also based on the book is about a former CIA agent John Creasy, who is hired to project a young teenage girl. With the parents not around much he becomes best friends with her and soon cares about her when he did not want too. The film also stars Joe Pesci, Brooke Adams, Danny Aiello, and Jonathan Pryce. The film is kinda middle of the road as it never seems to get off the ground in the excitement department but still interesting enough story that keeps you watching till the end of the film. I give it 2 stars.
Goodnight Mommy (On Demand) – A German/Austria film about a mom coming home to her boys or boy. Hard to explain but you figure it out within the first thirty seconds. But anyway mom comes home after surgery and the boys claim it’s not their real mom. A lot of boring shit happens that include the boys testing the woman to be sure it’s their mom with an uneventful ending. This bag of poo almost made me say “goodnight” a few times trying to push through the film. I give it 0 stars.
Savage Weekend (DVD) – A slasher film that was made in 1976 under the title “The Killer behind the Mask” but was later released in 1979 by Cannon Films under the title “Savage Weekend”. It stars William Sanderson from “Newhart” TV show fame and a very young girl by the name of Yancy Butler. Some couples get together at a cabin for the weekend to watch a boat being built. But of course this bores everyone and we get a lot of sex with Sanderson’s character, ‘Otis’ staring at them creepily. Of course the film immediately points to Otis being the killer but he is too busy staring at all the sex going on around him. But what pisses me off about the film is a scene where a woman is tied up to a table saw and it’s turned on… Nothing! No gore, blood, etc., it failed horribly in having a great memorable death scene. I give the film 1 1/2 stars.
Dust Up (DVD) – A one-eyed handyman named Jack is helping out a pretty mom played by Amber Benson/Ella because her plumbing is shot. We soon see why she is alone and has trouble paying Jack because her drug addicted husband is looking to give guys blowjobs for money he owes to his drug dealer or he will be killed that night. Jack being the nice guy he is decides to try and help and give so much of the cash up for the husband’s debt. One thing leads to another and we have shootings, drug labs blowing up, weird Indian dances, and a druglord that convinces his party goers to be cannibals because the end of the world is going to happen! It’s weird, hard to explain, but visually cool, entertaining, and seems to be a independent flick lost from the mid-90s when the flood gates opened up for all genres of small budgeted films. I give it 3 stars.
The Collective Volume VII (DVD) – The long running independent collection of short films, ten of them to be exact all are on one subject. I always enjoy picking up a new installment of this because it not only shows off the talent of all that are involved but I know Jason Hoover is still working hard out there on his craft. This time around the subject is “a key”. All involved this time around: Mostly Harmless Pictures, Jabb Pictures (of course), Quattro Venti Scott Productions, John Eric Ballinger, Liberty or Death Productions, Death Hug Films, Spiral Filmworks, Silence in the Dead of Light, Klayton Dean, 3 o’clock Productions. I really enjoyed the short from “Silence in the Dead of Light” called ‘Open Me’ as it told the story with no dialogue. I also enjoyed Jason Hoover killing himself off in a scene for the short ‘Bluebird’. There was a short that is a recut/re-edit of “Night of the Living Dead” 1968 version that I understood why it was done but in the long run I did not. But that is a whole other conversation piece that could cover pages, hours, etc. Mr. Hoover and company should be proud as usual as I give this collection 3 out of 4 stars and can be found for purchase at www.jabbpictures.com .
Believers (DVD) – Two paramedics get mixed up with a cult when they respond to a call from a little girl wanting help for her mommy as she is unresponsive. The paramedics are held at gunpoint and taken to an underground compound by people who call themselves ‘The Quanta Group’. The cult believes the end of the world is upon us and after their mass suicide aka their sleep they will be transferred to the other side of the universe to restart humanity. The theory is they are scientists, mathematicians, etc. who have left their past lives done research and believe fire will fall from the sky killing almost everything in its existence. I like the concept but the ending is one of those things that you want more information or a couple more scenes. I give the flick 2 stars.
Defenseless: A Blood Symphony (DVD) – An Australian film I believe made in 2004 by Mark Savage but released in 2006. The film is told with no dialogue at all but music and actions. A woman is raped, abused, and left out in the sea to die after she disagrees on signing off on a real estate deal. So her partners decide to do this sicken act to her. She reappears from the sea helped by a little girl and begins her weird bloody revenge/rampage through her partners. Weird, different, a little nutzoid, I am in every time to watch something off the beaten path like this. It’s available through Subversive Cinema if interested and give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.
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Don’t forget you can come by the vendor table I will be at for a book, shirt, or a movie March 4, 5, 6th, 2016 at Pittsburgh’s Horror Realm Convention (for details: www.horrorrealmcon.com) and Cinema Wasteland April 1, 2, 3rd, 2016 in Strongsville, Ohio (for details: www.cinemawasteland.com) .