Gross Movie Reviews #325
By Tim Gross
In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Uwe Boll uses his endless supply of money to make another sequel to a film that no one cared about in the first place. But hey, don’t let the little things like that stop you as Dominic Purcell star in this new fantasy adventure. Purcell’s character is a hitman who is sucked into a different time/dimension of fantasy when he takes an amulet from a girl he kidnapped that just happens to match the tattoo on his wrist. Dragons, a prophet, hot warrior women, and Purcell’s character learns a life lesson before he is sent back to the future. I give it 1 ½ stars. Mr. Boll I personally would like more monster movies or horror movies since you have this endless supply of funds?
You’re Next (DVD) – A film that starts off innocent but soon becomes a film in the same vein as a “Funny Games”, “Strangers”, etc., you get the picture. A family who is not super rich but let’s says well off is getting together for their parents’ anniversary. The kids/adults are all older but still have sibling rivalry. But during dinner they get attack by a person or persons with arrows being shot through the windows. The movie then evolves into the family trying to survive an onslaught from unseen murder/ murderers or are they in this bloody fun film. Barbara Crampton stars which is always a plus and the only flaw of the film is you see the ending coming about ten minutes in but has its gory moments that make you happy you checked the flick out. I give it 3 stars.
WNUF Halloween Special (DVD) – A found footage film released by Camp Motion Pictures recently that tries to do something different with the same old concept of found footage. The film is a fake Halloween special with a séance about to happen in a haunted house in small town America. The found footage is a news broadcast that leads into the special that is on a public access channel and made to look grainy and crappy like a VHS tape would look like today if played when it recorded this special in the late 80s. The flick gets annoying quickly but what saves and makes this watchable is the commercials as they are all fake commercials that were made to fit the time frame when the special would have taken place? And for me that was a treat because I grew up watching a lot of bad cable TV and remember the bad computer repair, College Tech, love chat lines, and other bad commercials that were a product of that time. I give the film special a ½ star but the commercials 3 stars and applaud their efforts for making them.
Robot Ninja (VHS) – In the age of weird, horrible, obscure low budget VHS movies getting legit releases and special VHS/DVD combo releases I am very surprised there is never been any news on this relatively lesser known gory comic bookish horror film. J. R. Bookwalter’s second feature was made in four months and $15,000, a lot less than his first feature “The Dead Next Door”. The film revolves around comic book artist Lenny who is upset with his agent selling the rights of the comic to NBC for a weekly series and is now being pressured by his boss to start making the comic book more like the weekly series. This makes Lenny go over the edge and become the real life Robot Ninja after he tries to stop three individuals from raping a couple on the edge of a freeway. He has the costume made; he is taking a massive amount of drugs, it’s time for Lenny/Robot Ninja to take to the streets looking for revenge! The film is a disgustingly fun time for J.R.’s second effort. I give the movie 2 ½ stars. The film also boasts appearances from Linnea Quigley, Burt Ward, and Scott Spiegel. I remember first seeing the film in 1990 when I helped a video store order it out of the Cinema Home Video catalog.
Boggy Creek (DVD) – First off I tried tracking down info on this Sasquatch film to see if it was a remake or even any relation to the films of same name but I came up empty. So, the filmmakers are that good making sure there wasn’t any info linking this low budget flick and the originals or everyone doesn’t give a fuck that it was a remake? So anyway we have swamp sasquatches that have been killing males and breeding with females for about 40 years or so in the swamp and the sasquatches like eating humans. I give the flick 1 ½ stars.
Mediatrix (DVD) – Cory J. Udler is a filmmaker that gave us the great trilogy of “Incest Death Squad” which I highly recommend. This time around he doesn’t go too far from keeping Christianity into his storyline as a woman of the name Mary Ann Van Hook is or was a fake medium (long story). As a child she could see things but now as an adult she is busy collecting money from the local men who want to bang her in the ass! Then as a child people from all around the world would come to visit her who believed in her holy visions but it was ruined by a man of the clergy and his unspeakable unchristian-like acts. Miss Van Hook who is hooked on drugs, alcohol, and prostitution has a plan for a local woman named Carrie Brackett who still believes in Miss Hook’s powers. Miss Hook just needs to clean herself up enough to make the plan work and knows Carrie doesn’t know about Hook’s past with her husband. It is brutal, disgusting, and just so much fun to watch what Miss Van Hook will make people believe next in this tale of some people will believe anything. Thanks again Cory for a film like no other as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. You can find the film at www.incestdeathsquad.com .
Netherworld (DVD) – David Schmoeller directs this Full Moon film from the early days of Full Moon that I swore off after seeing it when I was in high school. So I thought it was time to give it a second chance after 20 years to see if it was still as bad as I thought it was? A man named Corey Thornton inherits an estate from a father he never knew that is in the heart of the bayou where black magic thrives, Cory’s dead father asks to be brought back from the dead, and a lot of sex stuff happens! If that wasn’t enough a witch of sorts has power of a cement hand or ‘hand of Satan’ to kill people. Surprisingly enough I made it through and thought it was better than “Demonic Toys vs. Dollman”. I give the film 2 stars.
Spiders (DVD) – The government and NASA are screwing around with genetically mutated spider that just happens to crash land back on earth after an experiment goes wrong. The military shows up to gather the wreckage and bodies and doesn’t know about the three young reporters who stumble upon the crash thinking aliens who hide in a truck to find out the real story. Soon spiders begin to fuck people up in an underground facility. The creature effects were done by KNB! Fun throwback flick to the sci-fi 50s as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Psycho II (DVD) – Possibly one of the most underrated sequels of all time as Anthony Perkins reprises his role as Norman Bates. Tom Holland the writer crafted an amazing story of bringing this legendary character back to the big screen. The movie now over 30 years old and still hasn’t lost its touch as Norman has been released from the criminally insane after 22 years. He returns to his home and motel with his doctor knowing he must face his fears of what happen so many years ago. Norman is older, wiser, and just wants to adjust to life in the real world again and even has a job at the local diner down the road. But soon Norman begins hearing his mother’s voice and seems to be receiving notes from her and tries to believe she is dead but some in the area still have the events of 1960 fresh in their mind and want Norman to be locked up again. Authorities keep an eye on Norman as people begin to disappear and the Bates Motel reopens under Norman’s management. The clever writing makes this film work on so many levels and Anthony Perkins lets the uncomfortable, awkward, easily excited psycho Norman Bates personality out as this movie proves he was perfect for the role. As Robert Englund for Freddy and Kane Hodder for Jason, some people are just meant to be and Mr. Perkins made the Norman Bates character so scary without effort. Do yourself a favor and rewatch this this classic sequel that I still believe doesn’t get the love it deserves as I give it 4 stars. And be sure you pay attention as there is a funny line in the film when Norman says with his straight demeanor, “I do not kill people anymore”.
Psycho III (DVD) – Two years go by and another sequel is born this time directed by Anthony Perkins himself as the movie picks right up from the end of part two but eventually falls apart in the end. Norman Bates still adjusting to his new life but has accepted his mother will always be with him hires a new assistant manager in Jeff Fahey and has a new tenant named Maureen. A blond that he soon lets his desire out to kill but instead saves her when he finds her trying to commit suicide in room #1 where it all began so many years ago. Norman tries to keep the inner psycho locked inside of him and tries to have a relationship with Maureen but he eventually goes mad and begins to kill again. As Norman does say “Everyone goes a little mad every once in a while”. The movie is fun and you cannot get enough of Anthony Perkins but the film seems to fall apart or doesn’t stay strong as part two in the last ten to fifth-teen minutes. I give it 2 ½ stars.
Psycho IV: The Beginning (DVD) – Henry Thomas plays a young Norman Bates in this film where Norman Bates now trying to live a normal life away from the Bates Motel calls into a radio station to talk about mother killers. Norman tells the story of what led up to him killing his mother and why he had to keep her corpse. It may have not been the ideal finale we wanted but it is a worthy one as Anthony Perkins returns, CCH Pounder is the disc jockey Norman tells the story too, Olivia Hussey plays Norman’s mother, Mick Garris directs and John Landis is the producer of the station. I just believe Anthony Perkins knew he didn’t have much more time on this earth and wanted to give fans a film that explains the Norman character in-depth but also tie it all up. I give the film 2 ½ stars.
Battle of the Damned (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Dolph Lundgren is a former special forces officer who is sent into a quarantined zone in Southeast Asia where a whole city has been shut down because of a zombie outbreak. He goes in with his team to find a daughter of a CEO whose company made the viral outbreak possible. Lundgren, zombies, and robots pretty much tell you everything you need to know as the only thing that would have made the film better was a bigger budget as I give the flick 2 stars.
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