Gross Movie Reviews #422

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Gross Movie Reviews #422

 

The Mechanik (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren stars and directs in this action thriller about a retired Russian Special Forces dude whose family was killed by the mob. So he goes about killing all involved or so he thinks? Seven years later he is a normal car mechanic in L.A. where a rich Russian lady tracks him down and asks for Dolph to go save her kidnapped daughter. The same dude that killed Dolph’s family is the same dude that kidnapped the daughter and Dolph must go back to Russia. Once there he hooks up with Ben Cross and they gather a team to go take on the mob and recue the girl. Nothing better than Dolph being Russian again as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Dr. Leo (DVD) – A short film from Jim Stramel where a man is duct taped to a wheelchair and must try to release himself. Simple but great production that has a payoff that leaves you questioning what did happen? I was hoping for the screwdriver to fall into the dude’s skull while trying to escape. You have to watch to understand as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Dark Island (DVD) – A lower budgeted flick that the filmmakers watched too much of the “Lost” TV show where the story revolves around a research team that has contact with the outside world. Some people are paid to go in and find out what happened but once there they just find this oil substance everywhere and anyone that was alive is crazy. Of course some of the rescue group isn’t’ clued on what’s really going on until halfway through the flick when they find out it’s a bio-chemical experiment gone completely wrong. Mostly boring crap as I give it 1 star.

 

Cowboys vs. Vampires (DVD) – An old school cowboy show is bought out by a slimy asshole that has big plans for the ranch and its employees. When the show is going to reopen its going to be a haunted themed ranch according to the new guy called “Ghost town”. Problem is new guy knows about this underground cave that he is looking for something but instead it turns everyone into vampires and that is how we get the lame title for this boring lame movie that had potential? I give it 1 star.

 

Survivorz (DVD) – First off, you know your movie is important when the title has a “z” at the end. Second, the movie takes place in London where a group of young Americans hit a local restaurant in hopes of getting over their hangover. But solar debris or meteors hit the earth and cause the zombie apocalypse. Then the rest of the movie is about this group of individuals trying to get out of the city with the waitress and help her find her sister. The film is neither great or terrible but I would save this movie watch for when you don’t feel like watching the much more superior zombies films out there as I give this 2 stars.

 

Rings (DVD) – Apparently if the dude from “Full Metal Jacket” didn’t get rapey as a priest 30 years ago we don’t have this horrible horror movie series of a little girl on VHS who lives in a well that kills people after seven days. Or at least that is what I got out of it as I give it 1 ½ stars.

10/31 (Vimeo/DVD) – A pretty hot young evil lady has dug up some stories to tell for Halloween! The Old Hag – where an old lady is praying on the fears of a couple dudes trying to film a commercial in an old mansion. Trespassers – a film I have already reviewed but is about a young couple who drive to an old farm to do something different for Halloween and it has a scarecrow. Killing the Dance – A roller skating slaughter that is only missing a young Linda Blair. The Halloween Blizzard of ‘91’ – This story gets into a bloody debate of what is a better holiday Halloween or Christmas? And The Samhain Slasher – just old school satanic serial killer stuff we all can get into. All segments of the anthology are really beautiful and excellent horror entertainment. There is not a baddy in this bunch as it’s almost customary to have a poopy segment in your anthology whether it is a lower budgeted or high budgeted. This anthology will not disappoint horror fans! As this film raises the bar of how anthologies should be made and all involved should be proud of the collection of horror goodies and for that I thank yinz as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. I would put this in the class of “Trick r Treat” to help some recent horror fans to relate.

 

Joysticks (DVD) – A 1983 sex comedy that features Pac-Man but also Joe Don Baker trying to shut down a local arcade that is causing trouble. The arcade is a nuisance and of course we can’t have the young people causing a ruckus? Lots of boobs, hijinks, pranks, and an appearance of Jon Gries highlight this average sex comedy that was being mass produced during the early to mid-80s. I give this one 2 stars.

 

Bridge of Dragons (DVD) – Somewhere in post-war fantasyland Dolph Lundgren must go against what he believes in to help a princess. He helps her and the rebels that live outside of the kingdom to bring down an evil ruler who killed her father in order to eventually be king. Hilarious and weird action flick as they don’t spend a whole of time trying to convince you of this fantasyland exist but Dolph is in it so it gets 2 stars.

 

Bermuda Tentacles (DVD) – A boring ass version of “Deep Rising”, oh I mean giant sea worms that are attacking the U.S. Naval force who are trying to save the president. If that wasn’t enough they throw in John Savage as the president, Jamie Kennedy as the sea worm expert, and Linda Hamilton as the hard ass military officer to make it seem legit. I give it 1 star.

 

Private School (DVD) – This sex comedy first off has a combo of everyone that was ever in an early-80s sex comedy. This film is set up with the underlying subplot is Phoebe Cates and Matthew Modine’s characters trying to decide when is it the “right time”? While all their friends are busy bumping uglies, taking pictures, sneaking into the girls’ showers at the private all-girls school. Along with of course many girls just wanting to party and even their fathers too when they come for “Parents Day”. This film is more of the higher quality of sex comedies if you think about it as it might even be a sequel to “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? I give this 3 stars.

 

Hardbodies (DVD) – Good or bad this may be the most popular sex comedy title that everyone remembers. The main plot of the film is some old creepy dudes hire a good looking beach bum to show them how to be a hit with all the young women. The old dudes at first are there just for pleasure but eventually it gets ruined one of them bring business into it. The film has some memorable moments and possibly one of the best of the 80s films as Courtney Gains character has two scenes where he flips off someone in supposedly 40 different languages. Two other cool things to look for are Kathleen (Halloween 4 and Rollerblade Warriors) Kinmont as skater girl and Kane Hodder. Fast Times and Porky’s may have set the standard for the sex comedies of the 80s but Hardbodies may have made the most lasting impression on people as it found a whole new audience on USA’s “Up All Night”. I give this flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Kong: Skull Island (DVD) – So once again we get another version of Kong. For me I waited on this film for a while just because I wasn’t sure if I should care? But sat down and didn’t expect much and got a fascinating updated version of Kong that I think fits what most fans would want these days. The film is set in 1973 where the Vietnam War is coming to a close and John Goodman has images of an uncharted island where two warring fighter pilots crash landed in 1944 at the beginning of the film. He gets the go ahead for a dangerous expedition to the island before the Russians find out what they are doing. Once there they awaken a monster that has been left undisturbed for years. But Goodman’s character knows a lot more than he will tell everyone as he was expecting to find this fantastic beast. After the confrontation the group is scattered throughout the island and has three days to make it to the check point for the pick-up team. Kong isn’t the thing they must fear, it is everything else as the island is the missing link to a world long gone. I enjoyed the blend of interesting characters on the expedition, Kong’s appearance, and the mystique of Skull Island. But the more impressive thing is linking this to a possible feud with Godzilla and other monsters got the teenager juices flowing through me again. Problem is there is a really good chance this will get fucked up. Outside of that check your brain at the door and allow the kid inside you watch this film with glee as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Independent horror fans it is coming… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out http://www.grossfest.com for all the details!

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Gross Movie Reviews #317

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Gross Movie Reviews #317

 

 By Tim Gross

 

Reap (DVD) – A short film from Kyle Cates that was one of the many extras on the excellent independent thriller “Intrusion”. The film has a fun shot on video early 90s vibe where a married couple is getting ready to have a baby soon, new house, and cannot wait to spend their lives together. But soon this is all disrupted when an unknown individual breaks into the home and brutally rapes and kills the wife. During a struggle shortly after the husband gets the upper hand and takes matters into his own hands and disgustingly destroys the person that has ruined his perfect life. I give it 2 1/2 out of 4 stars.

 

Don’t Look Now (VHS) – A Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie film from 1973 based on a novel set in Venice, Italy. Jon and Laura is a happy couple until their daughter drowns in a creek in the backyard but the disturbing thing is Jon may have seen it happen before it did. Some time passes with Jon set on rebuilding an old church and his wife Laura still trying to pick up the pieces meets a woman and her sister who is blind and they see Laura’s dead child. The movie moves at a snail’s pace and is supposed to be atmospheric. Me, I just could not get into the film at any point and wondered out loud if Donald had in his contract that he must be naked in every film he made in the 70s. I give the flick 1 star.

 

The ABCs of Death (DVD) – The concept is 26 short films by 26 different filmmakers from around the world and each of their films is one of the letters of the alphabet. Some are great, a few are horrible, and a couple I just snickered at. But the anthology project is something great for horror in my opinion because I believe Hollywood or at least some involved with Hollywood took notice of what has been done a few times now in the past decade by awesome unknown independent filmmakers. What I did take away from this interesting project was the second half of the alphabet really seems to have a toilet theme going…? I give it 3 stars and independent filmmakers remember someone has noticed what all yinz unknown talented bitches and bastards are doing!

fauces - claws - devil bear - 1977 - video011

Claws (VHS) – Imagine William Girdler’s “Grizzly” on no budget with lots of bear stock footage. Anyway apparently after a grizzly is wounded five years ago, it has a taste for human blood in the Alaskan mountains. Some of the natives believe the bear is the “devil bear” and cannot be killed or it’s a ghost sent to haunt humans for fucking with bears. Either way the film is a butt load of fun if you like ‘When Animal Attacks’ flicks. I give the flick 2 ½ stars. This film proves why a lot of 70s flicks are just going to get better with age.

 

Twisted Fate (DVD) – A budding independent filmmaker Timothy Novotny with big ideas gave me his first short film from 2012 that has two men: Samuel and Kain hanging out in a basement looking for salvation in one form or other. I like the bleakness, the guts, and the arguments of the bible that compare to what’s left of the world after it went to hell. But a little more budget and a different direction may have made this short film just plain bad ass! With a little confidence in his future projects and his team up with one of my personal favorite independent filmmakers Jim Roberts makes me joyful in what Tim has in store for horror film fans like me. I give the flick 2 out of 4 stars. For more details on this filmmaker and other projects check out: www.novotariansyndicate.com .

 

Outpost 3: Rise of the Spetsnaz (On Demand) – The prequel/sequel to the amazing Nazi Zombie Bunker films that I am sure Hollywood will try to remake it and have Paul W. ‘I suck’ S. Anderson destroy it like he does with most projects. This story takes place towards the end of WWII with a Russian hit squad making their way towards a secret Nazi facility. Little they know Nazis are doing experiments of all sorts on the undead. Once captured and most of them killed, two surviving bad ass Russians just put an ass whopping on zombie experiments and Nazi officers in order to escape the underground prison. Cool creatures, great gore, but the film just doesn’t fit with the two great films before it. If you have seen the first two films this maybe a letdown since the first two films not only set the bar very high to top, but had an ending that satisfy most viewers. Also make sure you pay attention to when the American soldier is introduced to the Russians as his name is Captain Rogers. I give the film 2 stars.

 

The Dark Side of the Moon (VHS) – This is a little unknown sci-fi flick that predates “Event Horizon” by several years. Its 2022 and a ship comes across Discovery 18 which disappeared after a splashdown in the Bermuda Triangle 30 years ago. The crew having issues with its instruments and oxygen levels right before they go into the shadow of the moon find the drifting ship. The crew boards in hopes of finding answers to their ship’s problems but end up with a whole other set of problems, mainly the devil may have been waiting for them in outer space? The film doesn’t have much of a budget or named actors but has a well-rounded story that makes the film worth tracking down if you never heard of it. Call it a hidden gem as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Man of Steel (DVD) – The newest version of Superman hit the big screen with lots of fanfare and comic book geeks ejaculating all over themselves. The film retells the story of Clark Kent hiding among us common humans and brings back one of the coolest villains ever in General Zod where Superman must choose sides between the new Krypton and Earth. The film was entertaining and I got to admit I did enjoy the new Zod but felt Russell Crowe was a little over the top and just feel it’s hard to beat the cheesy Christopher Reeve version with the perfect General Zod in part two. I give the film 2 ½ stars. Let’s hope it doesn’t take another $200 – $500 million dollars and twenty years later to keep the franchise going as I love Marvel but Superman was always intriguing…

7th Day 2012 movie poster

7th Day (DVD) – In the past most independent filmmakers would make a serial killer film and as a reviewer I would  almost cringe at the thought of it as the project was usually brainless, bloodless, and a complete waste of time as they would try to mostly use naked women to sell the bad product.But the past year or two independent filmmakers and writers have blown me away how they have been able to make these lean, mean, gritty, serial killer films that make Hollywood blush. And Jason Koch made sure this project was no different than that trend in blowing me away with the “7th Day” film. We meet a man named Allen Dean who knows what he is and tells the viewer plain and simple, “This is what he does.” Allen narrates most of the film or talks to a ghost, his conscience, image of a mutated reporter (take your pick) and takes you the viewer through his insanely sleazy life. Allen Dean would like you to know he picks his victims by “selections” and is completely sane even if he feels the need to do cocaine with his neighbor or have sex with one of his victims. Even with all that going on Mr. Dean is trying to figure out how he can get the love of his life to notice him at his dead end job. The film takes an unconventional roller coaster ride into the gross and sick world of Allen Dean, with just a dash of sleaze that makes you want to watch and enjoy the film alone and be sure to take a shower after. Bravo Jason Koch, you have gotten my attention and most likely many others and good luck. I give the project 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find the film at: www.direwitfilms.com .

 

Beware! The Blob (VHS/YouTube) – It’s the follow-up to the 50s classic that takes a more comedic approach its basic premise Hippies vs. The Blob. The film feels like exploitation but just feel it’s just one of those bad 70s films that most of our parents enjoyed making fun at the drive-in back in their day. Oh by the way, an instant frozen ice rink kills it and did I mention Larry Hagman directed with having Dick Van Patten, Cindy Williams, Sid Haig, and Burgess Meredith in his cast? I give it 1 ½ stars but if I’m drunk I would give it 3 stars.

 

Bermuda Tentacles (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Oh thank the lord Rutger Hauer that SyFy Channel has broken their almost five month drought without a new Saturday night flick! John Savage plays the president, Linda Hamilton plays a Naval fleet commanding officer, and Jamie Kennedy plays a scientist (remember the talented Tara Reid in “Alone in the Dark”), I believe I have said too much besides the Bermuda Triangle is an alien being! I give it 2 stars and thank you SyFy Channel.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

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