Gross Movie Reviews #422
The Mechanik (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren stars and directs in this action thriller about a retired Russian Special Forces dude whose family was killed by the mob. So he goes about killing all involved or so he thinks? Seven years later he is a normal car mechanic in L.A. where a rich Russian lady tracks him down and asks for Dolph to go save her kidnapped daughter. The same dude that killed Dolph’s family is the same dude that kidnapped the daughter and Dolph must go back to Russia. Once there he hooks up with Ben Cross and they gather a team to go take on the mob and recue the girl. Nothing better than Dolph being Russian again as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Dr. Leo (DVD) – A short film from Jim Stramel where a man is duct taped to a wheelchair and must try to release himself. Simple but great production that has a payoff that leaves you questioning what did happen? I was hoping for the screwdriver to fall into the dude’s skull while trying to escape. You have to watch to understand as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars.
Dark Island (DVD) – A lower budgeted flick that the filmmakers watched too much of the “Lost” TV show where the story revolves around a research team that has contact with the outside world. Some people are paid to go in and find out what happened but once there they just find this oil substance everywhere and anyone that was alive is crazy. Of course some of the rescue group isn’t’ clued on what’s really going on until halfway through the flick when they find out it’s a bio-chemical experiment gone completely wrong. Mostly boring crap as I give it 1 star.
Cowboys vs. Vampires (DVD) – An old school cowboy show is bought out by a slimy asshole that has big plans for the ranch and its employees. When the show is going to reopen its going to be a haunted themed ranch according to the new guy called “Ghost town”. Problem is new guy knows about this underground cave that he is looking for something but instead it turns everyone into vampires and that is how we get the lame title for this boring lame movie that had potential? I give it 1 star.
Survivorz (DVD) – First off, you know your movie is important when the title has a “z” at the end. Second, the movie takes place in London where a group of young Americans hit a local restaurant in hopes of getting over their hangover. But solar debris or meteors hit the earth and cause the zombie apocalypse. Then the rest of the movie is about this group of individuals trying to get out of the city with the waitress and help her find her sister. The film is neither great or terrible but I would save this movie watch for when you don’t feel like watching the much more superior zombies films out there as I give this 2 stars.
Rings (DVD) – Apparently if the dude from “Full Metal Jacket” didn’t get rapey as a priest 30 years ago we don’t have this horrible horror movie series of a little girl on VHS who lives in a well that kills people after seven days. Or at least that is what I got out of it as I give it 1 ½ stars.
10/31 (Vimeo/DVD) – A pretty hot young evil lady has dug up some stories to tell for Halloween! The Old Hag – where an old lady is praying on the fears of a couple dudes trying to film a commercial in an old mansion. Trespassers – a film I have already reviewed but is about a young couple who drive to an old farm to do something different for Halloween and it has a scarecrow. Killing the Dance – A roller skating slaughter that is only missing a young Linda Blair. The Halloween Blizzard of ‘91’ – This story gets into a bloody debate of what is a better holiday Halloween or Christmas? And The Samhain Slasher – just old school satanic serial killer stuff we all can get into. All segments of the anthology are really beautiful and excellent horror entertainment. There is not a baddy in this bunch as it’s almost customary to have a poopy segment in your anthology whether it is a lower budgeted or high budgeted. This anthology will not disappoint horror fans! As this film raises the bar of how anthologies should be made and all involved should be proud of the collection of horror goodies and for that I thank yinz as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. I would put this in the class of “Trick r Treat” to help some recent horror fans to relate.
Joysticks (DVD) – A 1983 sex comedy that features Pac-Man but also Joe Don Baker trying to shut down a local arcade that is causing trouble. The arcade is a nuisance and of course we can’t have the young people causing a ruckus? Lots of boobs, hijinks, pranks, and an appearance of Jon Gries highlight this average sex comedy that was being mass produced during the early to mid-80s. I give this one 2 stars.
Bridge of Dragons (DVD) – Somewhere in post-war fantasyland Dolph Lundgren must go against what he believes in to help a princess. He helps her and the rebels that live outside of the kingdom to bring down an evil ruler who killed her father in order to eventually be king. Hilarious and weird action flick as they don’t spend a whole of time trying to convince you of this fantasyland exist but Dolph is in it so it gets 2 stars.
Bermuda Tentacles (DVD) – A boring ass version of “Deep Rising”, oh I mean giant sea worms that are attacking the U.S. Naval force who are trying to save the president. If that wasn’t enough they throw in John Savage as the president, Jamie Kennedy as the sea worm expert, and Linda Hamilton as the hard ass military officer to make it seem legit. I give it 1 star.
Private School (DVD) – This sex comedy first off has a combo of everyone that was ever in an early-80s sex comedy. This film is set up with the underlying subplot is Phoebe Cates and Matthew Modine’s characters trying to decide when is it the “right time”? While all their friends are busy bumping uglies, taking pictures, sneaking into the girls’ showers at the private all-girls school. Along with of course many girls just wanting to party and even their fathers too when they come for “Parents Day”. This film is more of the higher quality of sex comedies if you think about it as it might even be a sequel to “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? I give this 3 stars.
Hardbodies (DVD) – Good or bad this may be the most popular sex comedy title that everyone remembers. The main plot of the film is some old creepy dudes hire a good looking beach bum to show them how to be a hit with all the young women. The old dudes at first are there just for pleasure but eventually it gets ruined one of them bring business into it. The film has some memorable moments and possibly one of the best of the 80s films as Courtney Gains character has two scenes where he flips off someone in supposedly 40 different languages. Two other cool things to look for are Kathleen (Halloween 4 and Rollerblade Warriors) Kinmont as skater girl and Kane Hodder. Fast Times and Porky’s may have set the standard for the sex comedies of the 80s but Hardbodies may have made the most lasting impression on people as it found a whole new audience on USA’s “Up All Night”. I give this flick 3 ½ stars.
Kong: Skull Island (DVD) – So once again we get another version of Kong. For me I waited on this film for a while just because I wasn’t sure if I should care? But sat down and didn’t expect much and got a fascinating updated version of Kong that I think fits what most fans would want these days. The film is set in 1973 where the Vietnam War is coming to a close and John Goodman has images of an uncharted island where two warring fighter pilots crash landed in 1944 at the beginning of the film. He gets the go ahead for a dangerous expedition to the island before the Russians find out what they are doing. Once there they awaken a monster that has been left undisturbed for years. But Goodman’s character knows a lot more than he will tell everyone as he was expecting to find this fantastic beast. After the confrontation the group is scattered throughout the island and has three days to make it to the check point for the pick-up team. Kong isn’t the thing they must fear, it is everything else as the island is the missing link to a world long gone. I enjoyed the blend of interesting characters on the expedition, Kong’s appearance, and the mystique of Skull Island. But the more impressive thing is linking this to a possible feud with Godzilla and other monsters got the teenager juices flowing through me again. Problem is there is a really good chance this will get fucked up. Outside of that check your brain at the door and allow the kid inside you watch this film with glee as I give it 3 ½ stars.
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