Gross Movie Reviews #288

By Tim Gross

Bunraku (DVD) – A wild and over the top film starring Josh Harnett as a cowboy without a gun coming into town for revenge where ten killers rule the city and led by Ron Perlman who has been seen by very few. If that wasn’t enough Woody Harrelson plays a bartender who helps get the cowboy and a samurai together to kill off the ten killers for the city to be free. A little icing on the cake is Demi Moore playing Perlman’s woman but has a backstory with Woody’s bartender character. And the film is set in post-apocalyptic world with no firearms and has the look of Frank Miller’s ‘Sin City’ but in color. I found the flick for 3 bucks which was an awesome find for this crazy action film that went unnoticed direct-to-DVD… This is a film that has a little of everything and doesn’t disappoint as I give it 3 stars.

The Thing From Another World (DVD) – Every time I watch John Carpenter’s ‘Halloween’ and the music hits on TV while the kids are watching this film I get chills. This 1951 classic was a film that set up the 50s with crazy aliens, blobs, and killer rug-like creatures thanks to Howard Hawks. It was based on the short story “Who Goes There?” as was Carpenter’s remake 30 years later. Scientists find something odd that crashed into the frozen ice of the Artic and wanna go investigate. After finding what really could be a UFO they accidentally blow the ship trying to melt the ice but find its oddly large occupant. The scientists and armed forces personal take it back to base and it thaws out while they argue what should be done with the creature? Between blood sucking plants and a giant alien that grew its arm back or could be referred to as a pissed off carrot makes this film not only entertaining but fucking awesome every time I hear filmmakers like Carpenter, Romero, and even Spielberg talk about seeing this film during their childhood. I give the ultimate sci-fi classic 4 stars!

Battledogs (DVD/SyFy Channel) – It might be another crappy werewolf film but at least they loaded the film with some genre favorites to make it watchable. The cast: Craig ‘Nightbreed’ Sheffer, Ernie Hudson, Bill Duke, Debbie Rochon for one line, and I believe the dude that does all the freaking Allstate commercials! A woman has contracted a werewolf virus by accident and has brought to an airport where she changes and starts biting a lot of fucking people. Soon Bill Duke is talking about nuking New York City! I give it 1 ½ stars.

Hide and Creep (DVD) – This is a pull no punches kinda of zombie film that makes fun of rednecks but yet puts together one hell of an entertaining buckets of blood zombie film! The dead rise from their graves and people are more worried about the Auburn football game than trying to solve why zombies are roaming a small southern town. You know you are in for some no budget fun when the video clerk drops off a dead body at the sheriff’s office because the sheriff is off for the weekend. And did I mention the zombie was killed with a VCR that had a copy of ‘Night of the Living Dead’… So get your Auburn football jersey on and start Netflixing this mother fucker as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Dark Age (VHS) – Of course I have found another giant crocodile film to watch and review, I cannot get enough of them. It’s almost as addictive as ‘Puppet Master’ sequels people! What we got here is a pure 1987 Australian film that copies the ‘Jaws’ storyline for the first half of the film until the crocodile eats an Aborigine kid and they say it was because he was ‘sick’… Then all of sudden it’s save the crocodile because he is a god among the Aborigines that includes after capturing the croc and it is loaded on a tractor trailer for a car chase scene. Love this film… why, because it has one fake ass giant crocodile and an awesome child chomping scene I haven’t seen since the killer animals PG classic ‘Grizzly’. Giant crocodile fans you must track it down and witness this great Aussie film as I give it 3 stars!

The Granny (VHS) – Oh yeah, somebody made this flick in the mid-90s! A fun but poorly shot supernatural horror film starring Stella Stevens as a granny looking for the ‘fountain of youth’. A mysterious man shows up at her door shortly after the family she hates arrives to have roast beef for Thanksgiving. He gives her a potion and three rules to follow which of course she doesn’t want any part of because she hates her family but this magic potion supposedly can give you a second chance where you are immortal. Sunlight hits it, she dies, she awakens in a morgue, then comes back home days later to start killing off the family as they party in her house and cannot wait to spend her money. Two memorable scenes from the film is the cat transformation and the penis cutting scene that makes you say, “EW”. I give this forgotten gem 2 ½ stars.

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