Gross Movie Reviews #293

Colin (DVD) – A zombie film that dares to be different out of the UK but instead bores the living shit out of trying to stay awake for the entirety of the film. The story follows a dude who gets bitten during a zombie outbreak and wonders London. Biggest problem is nothing fucking happens! And if wasn’t enough to annoy me I know this will annoy some horror fans as the filmmaker seem to enjoy the shaky cam. So put drugs that help you sleep away as this movie will literally put you in a coma. I could not drink enough beer to make this film worth wasting my time on again. I give this useless zombie film 0 stars.

The Fearmaker (VHS) – The film is mostly widely known for its other title ‘The Mutations’ from 1972 that stars the legendary great one, Donald Pleasance who plays a scientist who believes he knows how to speed up evolution. What makes the film a lot of fun besides it looking a lot like the historical film ‘Freaks’ or at least heavily influenced? And Dr. Loomis is half-in-the-bag the whole film! Anyway, Pleasance plays a professor who believes mutations are what help evolution along and he also believes the next step is plant and human together. The professor uses a disfigured aka elephant man look-a-like from the freak circus show to capture live patients for his experiments and in return he will cure the elephant dude. But the local freak circus is pissed that too much bad attention is coming their way and they no longer feel safe and must do something about it. A great mess of a 70s horror film must watch with one of the greatest actors ever in Donald Pleasance. I do not believe this film has much of a release in any format but can be found on YouTube and other movie websites for free. I give the freakish film 2 ½ stars.

Stitches (DVD) – Let me just tell you now this as made it onto the best horror film list of 2013 behind ‘John Dies at the End’. We meet Stitches the clown in an Irish town where he is banging a random hottie doggie style until he remembers he is late for a party where he has to entertain 10 year olds. When Stitches arrives he meets Tommy and friends who are not kind to Stitches the clown. A lot of Stitches tricks are boring to the kids so Tommy hits Stitches in the face with a soccer ball causing him to fall and take a knife to the skull in the dishwasher. Thus sending ten year olds scrambling and Tommy scarred for life or until 16 when he is still having nightmares of Stitches at a clown funeral where they some special ceremony. But not to give too much fun away Tommy’s friends have decided it’s time for him to have a birthday party for the first time since the incident and everyone is invited, including an undead clown. Stitches the clown was able to combine gore and bad jokes that make you remember the good old days of Freddy Kruger of the 80s. The slasher film is gory as hell, funny, well written, and make you stand up and scream for sequels! I give it 4 stars.

Freaky Farley (DVD) – A 2007 independent film from the same people that gave us the odd but fun independent feature ‘Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You!’ has an earlier independent film that involves a man named “Freaky Farley” where he is a small town Peeping Tom and his father is a famous radio host. Of course Farley’s father is hard on Farley and Farley develops huge father issues which are a major plot point of the film. But when Farley meets a girl a lot like him named Scarlett his world is complete or so he thinks until he finally goes to the cabin his father has not allowed him to go to since his mom’s death. A well-produced film, but very rough around the edges. But after seeing this film and the progress in the Riverbeast film you can see the filmmaker started early on creating his own little alternate world that continues through the films but enjoys using the same cast of actors in different roles which can help create exciting and good films in the long run. So independent movie fans start visiting their website at www.shockmarathons.com and start supporting as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars. For the love of god people they have fucking Trogs in this flick! And that is awesome in my opinion!

Leaf Blower Massacre (DVD) – A film after my heart and it has a tagline: “When autumn arrives no one survives!” I am all in then. With the cool vintage horror box art, the killer looking a lot alike the ‘Nailgun Massacre’ killer, and the killer takes time to plug in the leaf blower to kill one of his victims its cinema gold. The only thing that upset me about the film is it being a short film. Now there is no way I believe it could go 80 or 90 minutes but I was hoping a little more than 14 minutes. But it’s well worth the effort because the filmmaker Anthony Cooney is also a ‘Nailgun Massacre’ fan and leaves it with the potential of a sequel. And folks that is all I can ask for in a film like this. Terry Lofton would be proud as I give the short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars. For more info on the film go to https://www.facebook.com/anthonycooney187?fref=ts .

Long Weekend (DVD) – A lost and forgotten couple vacation film that goes bad. Like ‘Day of the Animals’ of bad. An Aussie couple who apparently are a half step from divorce have ventured out to a beach near some woods for a camping getaway to maybe try and patch things up? As fixing the relationship goes downhill quickly strange occurrences and odd behavior from the animals cause tensions to be worse. The film has radio reports and a TV report that might lend a little bit of a clue on what might be the problem but the film never directly points out this is the reason for the weirdness of the animals or strange occurrences. The 1978 film can drag a little at certain points but has a great ending that makes up for it. The DVD is available here in the US and you can find the film on YouTube as I give the movie 2 stars.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

You can purchase my book from Library of the Living Dead Press called, “The Big Ass Book of Gross Movie Reviews” at www.amazon.com .

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle and I talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout and Woodchipper Massacre T-shirt also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #292

By Tim Gross

Demons 5: The Devil’s Veil (DVD) – A group of young skiers go skiing down a mountain only to fall in a hole that they cannot get out of. Soon they find a mysterious mask and begin to play with it not knowing what they have just done. They eventually find a cave that leads to ancient catacombs of a church guarded by a vicious dog and a lonely blind priest that just happens to look like the bootleg version of Julian Sands and Christopher Walken if they had a kid? The priest takes in the disoriented group of friends only to sense something is not right in the world any longer. When the priest learns the young friends removed the mask and played with it he knows they are possessed by a witch that cursed the church and is now trying to return to the world of the living. It’s a fun devil/witch/possession flick but wears thin at the end with the young people just trying to get their friends to bump uglies. If there is anything I learned from this movie is never remove a mask from a corpse in an ice cave its better if you just let the CGI Yeti come and get you as you know SyFy Channel will find a way. But off the beaten path I go this sequel is a little better than 3 and 4 but the best has yet to come as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Demons 6: De Profundis (DVD) –  This or I should say believed last sequel of the ‘Demons’ series is also known as ‘The Black Cat’ and also at one time a part of “The Three Mothers” film series. There are a lot of things going on in this film that makes Italian film fans seek this flick out besides one of my favorite actors or actresses in Caroline Munro. A writer and a filmmaker who are best friends have come up with their latest and best film idea yet! They decide they want to do a film on “the third mother” aka Levana. There are references to Argento and Suspiria in the film when the two are discussing the film. But things get weird when the filmmaker wants his wife to play the part of Levana as he dives deeper into the history of the witch and is warned to not make the film. I was very impressed with the finished product and consider this a much underrated horror film as it’s the best of the sequels since part 2. I’m glad I was able to get a hold of a copy of this flick as it redeems the somewhat crappy sequels that come before it. What makes the sequel even weirder was Lamberto Bava was not involved. I give this great Italian horror film 3 stars.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre [3D] (DVD) – Wow, first off the film surprised the shit outta me… The thing I got to address before we get into the review is what would you consider this: TCM 1 ½? Remake? Remake of a remake? A sequel…? If I got to say what it is to me I would like to say this part 5 of the original series or the closest we may ever get? Are you with me so far? Reason I bring this up is the film tries to connect with the original film’s ending and tries to bring you the viewer up to speed about Leatherface. Once that is established and we are to believe Leatherface and family have been destroyed by ugly ass rednecks in a fire and a baby who was a part of the Leatherface family is taken we go forty years into the future which is weird because the young woman they show us is in her early 20s. Pretty much as I explain to all movie fans that if you are looking for logic, something original, etc., in a horror sequel, prequel, and seven films into the fucking series THEN YOU ARE WATCHING THE WRONG FUCKING MOVIE. YES I AM TALKING TO THE DUMB ASSES WHO STILL QUESTION THE LOGIC OF ‘FREDDY VS JASON’. Moving on, anyway the young girl gets a piece of mail that has informed her that she has inherited a house in Texas from a relative she never knew about let alone never knowing she was adopted. Her parents well the people who claimed her let’s say warn her about going to the evil place. This is what I enjoyed about the film more than anything was in short order kids party, Leatherface massacres everybody, and the girl understands at the end she actually inherited one the most notorious killers in filmland! AWESOME! The horror film defies logic, and spits in the face of what your usual cookie cut out mainstream horror is these days. The film is completely absurd and I love every god damn gory moment of it. And I got to see Gunnar Hansen, Bill Moseley, Marilyn Burns, and John Dugan in the same chainsaw movie. It’s not going to win best horror movie of the year but it entertained my ass and that is what I want. I give it 3 stars.

Don’t Let the Riverbeast Get You! (DVD) – I enjoy getting films people think I make up the titles and show them the film actually exists and it blows their minds. And this independent film doesn’t disappoint. Film focuses on a man named Neil Stewart who has come back to his very white bread/vanilla community Rivertown, USA. He was left at the altar three years ago by his cute fiancée because she didn’t believe him and his story of the Riverbeast he refused to let go of. Neil is back and just wants to reconnect with friends, work his job as a tutor, and live in his godmother’s basement without the hassle of a creepy reporter and assholes calling him “RB”. And if all possible win his fiancée back. Neil goes as far as hiring a ladies man/monster hunter to prove there is a Riverbeast but all the old dude keeps finding is the picnic girls. Whether the dialogue and the very WHITE community is intentional or not it adds a fun aspect to the independent film that relies more on characters than the Riverbeast just having a bloodbath which eventually comes. Pay attention to what kills the Riverbeast because you may piss yourself laughing because it actually makes sense in some odd way. But the music and acting of the film really bring visions of the good old days of independent films when they were shot on VHS. I highly recommend this flick if you are looking for something offbeat and different in your horror movie watching… I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars as it can be found at www.braindamagefilms.com .

Incest Death Squad (DVD) – I was happy when I finally sat down to watch this Cory J. Udler independent film just for the mere reason of its title and it was worth checking out. The independent film is about a reporter who travels from outside of Milwaukee to a very small and hidden town deep in Wisconsin to investigate why hookers are disappearing. What little he knows he would meet the love of his life at a small motel and just happen to stumble upon a brother and sister combo who enjoy killing and fucking all because the Lord is telling them to do it. But Jeb and Amber Wayne are not just killing anyone they are killing tourists or out of state tourists to be exact. To explain completely what exactly goes on would give away the whole film without witnessing the fun carnage but I can tell you this it has me interested in what Cory and crew have in store in the sequels to ‘Incest Death Squad’. I believe this was a good set up for a brutally fun independent trilogy. So prepare yourself for Cory to take your mind into a disgusting, sick, and actually interesting roller coaster ride into perverted fun horror. I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be purchased at www.incestdeathsquad.com . Also lots of information on the sequels and other projects Mr. Udler has going on.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (DVD) – Honestly folks, what was so fucking unexpected? The Peter Jackson trilogy of ‘Lord of the Rings’ pretty much printed money, so forgive me for being a little pissed dude went and made three more fucking films that involved hobbits. The film is good but is it great, like the others, not really… It’s pretty much more of a kid’s version of ‘Lord of the Rings’ but just the shit that happen before that. Really people, Peter Jackson did a wonderful job but I believe as a movie fan I and many others are allowed to be pissed if another filmmaker thinks it’s a good idea to make a trilogy of prequels just to cash in. Is this really what Peter Jackson is doing? Maybe not, we all know he is a huge Hobbit and Lords of the Rings fan himself but it comes off as he is just cashing in. Sorry the Lucas thing has me bitter along with many others but bottom-line if you want more Hobbit adventures, you got it! Peter Jackson did a great job. I just prefer the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies and this film seemed more of a film aimed at a much younger crowd. I give the film 2 ½ stars just because Peter Jackson and Wingnut Films are awesome and prove why they are one of the few that know what they are doing with CGI.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

You can purchase my book from Library of the Living Dead Press called, “The Big Ass Book of Gross Movie Reviews” at www.amazon.com .

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle and I talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout and Woodchipper Massacre T-shirt also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #289

By Tim Gross

Hellraiser: Revelations (DVD) – Now before we even get into the review of “the fat Pinhead” film, understand I knew I would have to review this flick at some point and know that most of my movie collection consists of bad movies so you should have known this was coming at some point. But anyway this sequel no matter how you feel about it (most people despise it) represents what is wrong with Dimension Films, Hollywood, and proves horror films will always play second fiddle to crap like the next Jennifer Aniston bomb, Twinkling vampires, or the next PG-13 piece of 3-D shit shoved down our throats! The film was rushed for the mere reason to keep the rights to the ‘Hellraiser’ films and pretty much insulted the one person that keeps the franchise in the brilliant actor Doug Bradley. I was with Mr. Bradley on that he declined to play the character of ‘Pinhead’ knowing full well what they spent on the budget for the entire film (believe it is a little over $300,000?…) should have been the paycheck for Mr. Bradley. The latest chapter in the series has two teenagers turning into adults who travel to Mexico to do everything wrong… including killing a woman in a men’s restroom during sex. Soon after they are visited by a hobo who gives them the puzzle box and convinces them this is the ultimate pleasure. One opens the box and another is just pulled in. Some time goes by and we are at a dinner with the parents of both discussing where could their sons be until a knock at the door happens to be one of them drenched in blood and in shock. Once the parents try to leave to get help, the cars are gone, phones don’t work, and it’s time for the writers of the script to steal Clive Barker’s original film idea that played out in the first film already. I tried to look at this film in a different light but when it comes down to it the film is downright insulting to ‘Hellraiser’ and Clive Barker fans. My little glimmer of hope was maybe they were going to go the route of Clive Barker’s graphic comic books in the late 80s and early 90s where you have Pinhead and the Cenobites in different stories to continue the mythology of the characters? But my slight glimmer of hope was crushed horribly into the ground! Sorry horror fans our only hope now is if Clive can get some help in obtaining the rights of the series from Dimension or just say fuck it and make an unofficial ‘Hellraiser’ sequel…? ‘Hellraiser’ its best you stay away because you will only become angry. I don’t give it shit!

Curse of the Swamp Creature (DVD) – An awesomely bad movie from the mid-60s about a scientist experimenting on the natives to make the perfect human only when the experiments die he feeds the failures to the crocodiles out back. And if you get a chance to track this film down (YouTube possibly) take a close look at the back of the house as it looks like a swimming pool where the crocs are supposed to be and lots of National Geographic footage of the natives and crocs. I give the film 2 ½ stars just for entertaining me as much as it did.

House of Good and Evil (DVD) – A great looking film that is more of a slow burn thriller than a straight horror film begins with Maggie and her husband fighting and then rushing to the hospital when a tragic event happens. Several months later, the couple move out to a home in the country to get away from things and maybe start over at building a family. While the husband is at work, Maggie trying to keep herself busy starts to hear things and see things. Is Maggie going insane? What is really going on? The writers and filmmaker did a wonderful job of keeping the ending of the film a surprise until the very end of this independent film. Everybody involved with this film should be proud because everything from lighting, to way the scenes are shot, to making the viewer guess what exactly is going on? Horror fans that are always looking for something different to watch, keep an eye out for this film as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Scream and Scream Again (VHS) – A great horror film that makes me question whether Vincent Price is actually acting or if this is his true personality which would be cool and a little scary at the same time. Price is a scientist who is trying to perfect humans or actually replace them while being funded by secret individuals. Vincent Price chewing up the scenery as a scientist who doesn’t believe in playing god as much as perfecting what is already available to him more than makes up for the lack of screen time the other big two ‘Hammer’ film actors Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing have. A film that could be classified more as a sci-fi than horror film is something every horror fan should watch once in their lifetime as I give it 3 stars.

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant (DVD) – This is a film that in the immortal words of Kyle Poling, “Bootleg Thing with Two Heads that has Rosey Grier”. This 1971 film has Bruce Dern as a young scientist who is on the brink of something special as he has been transplanting heads of all kinds of animals to other animals. If that wasn’t enough for you, the legendary Scooby-Doo voice actor Casey Kasem plays Dern’s best friend trying to help Dern’s wife out because of her loneliness. But eventually Dern’s character goes too far as he transplants a killer’s head to a mentally retarded man who just happens to be the same size as wrestler “Andre the Giant”. This huge actor is best known as ‘Milt’ the pimp’s bodyguard in the funny 80s film “Bachelor Party”. And then chaos ensues in the countryside. I give the film 2 stars.

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (DVD) – Apparently, we the horror fan don’t get enough of the three mountain men that live in West Virginia woods and eat people, or the studio believes so? But this time around college kids are partying in the woods getting ready for the Halloween weekend “Mountain Man Festival”. The kids drive into town until they miss running down Doug Bradley who just happens to be the guy helping out the three cannibals this time around. After crashing and then trying to put a beat down on Mr. Bradley the cops show up and arrest everyone. The cannibals are pissed and begin killing anyone walking around town and plan on breaking Bradley’s character out of jail. The film could be the worst of the bunch for its lack of reality and shitty make-up effects. But I think about this logic and my question is: What do you expect for a direct-to-video fourth sequel and then it isn’t so bad of movie especially when Doug Bradley plays one evil ass bastard! He pretty much reminds all the characters they will die of horrible deaths every five minutes and wants to rape one girl with his boys then kill her. So he was pretty much “Pinhead” without the make-up… Did you hear me Dimension Films? Anyway I give the film 1 ½ stars. It’s a sequel; I knew I couldn’t stay away from it.

I.B.S. (DVD) – If anything independent filmmaker Mike O’Mahony and Maniac Films had entertained the shit out of me with their two past features. And nothing changes with this film as we are introduced to a man named Larry who just happens to have a bad shitting issue called IBS aka Irritable Bowel Syndrome which is an actual condition that affects millions of people. Larry has tried pills, exercise (or he claims), therapy, everything and wants something to help so he can ask out the hot girl in the office. It doesn’t help Larry that his lazy roommate is constantly doing threesomes on a nightly basis and just lives life without a care. But Larry, by accident finds a cure for his condition or delays the problem. Larry accidentally kills the office bully and finds out shit doesn’t want to pour out of his ass for no apparent reason. Soon he is on a killing spree that has him putting a girl’s face into a plastic fan, chasing a guy with a riding lawnmower, and killing the hot office girl with his underwear band! Once again Mr. O’Mahony gives a shit loaded, gallons of blood filled, entertaining masterpiece of independent gore and comedy. And let me mention James Costa who plays Larry has to be dedicated as he has had a part in all three features. I give the film 3 out of 4 stars. You can find details about the film and purchasing it at www.facebook.comibsmovie.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

You can purchase my book from Library of the Living Dead Press called, “The Big Ass Book of Gross Movie Reviews” at www.amazon.com .

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle and I talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe has the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also The Abomination shirt also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.