Gross Movie Reviews #289

By Tim Gross

Hellraiser: Revelations (DVD) – Now before we even get into the review of “the fat Pinhead” film, understand I knew I would have to review this flick at some point and know that most of my movie collection consists of bad movies so you should have known this was coming at some point. But anyway this sequel no matter how you feel about it (most people despise it) represents what is wrong with Dimension Films, Hollywood, and proves horror films will always play second fiddle to crap like the next Jennifer Aniston bomb, Twinkling vampires, or the next PG-13 piece of 3-D shit shoved down our throats! The film was rushed for the mere reason to keep the rights to the ‘Hellraiser’ films and pretty much insulted the one person that keeps the franchise in the brilliant actor Doug Bradley. I was with Mr. Bradley on that he declined to play the character of ‘Pinhead’ knowing full well what they spent on the budget for the entire film (believe it is a little over $300,000?…) should have been the paycheck for Mr. Bradley. The latest chapter in the series has two teenagers turning into adults who travel to Mexico to do everything wrong… including killing a woman in a men’s restroom during sex. Soon after they are visited by a hobo who gives them the puzzle box and convinces them this is the ultimate pleasure. One opens the box and another is just pulled in. Some time goes by and we are at a dinner with the parents of both discussing where could their sons be until a knock at the door happens to be one of them drenched in blood and in shock. Once the parents try to leave to get help, the cars are gone, phones don’t work, and it’s time for the writers of the script to steal Clive Barker’s original film idea that played out in the first film already. I tried to look at this film in a different light but when it comes down to it the film is downright insulting to ‘Hellraiser’ and Clive Barker fans. My little glimmer of hope was maybe they were going to go the route of Clive Barker’s graphic comic books in the late 80s and early 90s where you have Pinhead and the Cenobites in different stories to continue the mythology of the characters? But my slight glimmer of hope was crushed horribly into the ground! Sorry horror fans our only hope now is if Clive can get some help in obtaining the rights of the series from Dimension or just say fuck it and make an unofficial ‘Hellraiser’ sequel…? ‘Hellraiser’ its best you stay away because you will only become angry. I don’t give it shit!

Curse of the Swamp Creature (DVD) – An awesomely bad movie from the mid-60s about a scientist experimenting on the natives to make the perfect human only when the experiments die he feeds the failures to the crocodiles out back. And if you get a chance to track this film down (YouTube possibly) take a close look at the back of the house as it looks like a swimming pool where the crocs are supposed to be and lots of National Geographic footage of the natives and crocs. I give the film 2 ½ stars just for entertaining me as much as it did.

House of Good and Evil (DVD) – A great looking film that is more of a slow burn thriller than a straight horror film begins with Maggie and her husband fighting and then rushing to the hospital when a tragic event happens. Several months later, the couple move out to a home in the country to get away from things and maybe start over at building a family. While the husband is at work, Maggie trying to keep herself busy starts to hear things and see things. Is Maggie going insane? What is really going on? The writers and filmmaker did a wonderful job of keeping the ending of the film a surprise until the very end of this independent film. Everybody involved with this film should be proud because everything from lighting, to way the scenes are shot, to making the viewer guess what exactly is going on? Horror fans that are always looking for something different to watch, keep an eye out for this film as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Scream and Scream Again (VHS) – A great horror film that makes me question whether Vincent Price is actually acting or if this is his true personality which would be cool and a little scary at the same time. Price is a scientist who is trying to perfect humans or actually replace them while being funded by secret individuals. Vincent Price chewing up the scenery as a scientist who doesn’t believe in playing god as much as perfecting what is already available to him more than makes up for the lack of screen time the other big two ‘Hammer’ film actors Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing have. A film that could be classified more as a sci-fi than horror film is something every horror fan should watch once in their lifetime as I give it 3 stars.

The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant (DVD) – This is a film that in the immortal words of Kyle Poling, “Bootleg Thing with Two Heads that has Rosey Grier”. This 1971 film has Bruce Dern as a young scientist who is on the brink of something special as he has been transplanting heads of all kinds of animals to other animals. If that wasn’t enough for you, the legendary Scooby-Doo voice actor Casey Kasem plays Dern’s best friend trying to help Dern’s wife out because of her loneliness. But eventually Dern’s character goes too far as he transplants a killer’s head to a mentally retarded man who just happens to be the same size as wrestler “Andre the Giant”. This huge actor is best known as ‘Milt’ the pimp’s bodyguard in the funny 80s film “Bachelor Party”. And then chaos ensues in the countryside. I give the film 2 stars.

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (DVD) – Apparently, we the horror fan don’t get enough of the three mountain men that live in West Virginia woods and eat people, or the studio believes so? But this time around college kids are partying in the woods getting ready for the Halloween weekend “Mountain Man Festival”. The kids drive into town until they miss running down Doug Bradley who just happens to be the guy helping out the three cannibals this time around. After crashing and then trying to put a beat down on Mr. Bradley the cops show up and arrest everyone. The cannibals are pissed and begin killing anyone walking around town and plan on breaking Bradley’s character out of jail. The film could be the worst of the bunch for its lack of reality and shitty make-up effects. But I think about this logic and my question is: What do you expect for a direct-to-video fourth sequel and then it isn’t so bad of movie especially when Doug Bradley plays one evil ass bastard! He pretty much reminds all the characters they will die of horrible deaths every five minutes and wants to rape one girl with his boys then kill her. So he was pretty much “Pinhead” without the make-up… Did you hear me Dimension Films? Anyway I give the film 1 ½ stars. It’s a sequel; I knew I couldn’t stay away from it.

I.B.S. (DVD) – If anything independent filmmaker Mike O’Mahony and Maniac Films had entertained the shit out of me with their two past features. And nothing changes with this film as we are introduced to a man named Larry who just happens to have a bad shitting issue called IBS aka Irritable Bowel Syndrome which is an actual condition that affects millions of people. Larry has tried pills, exercise (or he claims), therapy, everything and wants something to help so he can ask out the hot girl in the office. It doesn’t help Larry that his lazy roommate is constantly doing threesomes on a nightly basis and just lives life without a care. But Larry, by accident finds a cure for his condition or delays the problem. Larry accidentally kills the office bully and finds out shit doesn’t want to pour out of his ass for no apparent reason. Soon he is on a killing spree that has him putting a girl’s face into a plastic fan, chasing a guy with a riding lawnmower, and killing the hot office girl with his underwear band! Once again Mr. O’Mahony gives a shit loaded, gallons of blood filled, entertaining masterpiece of independent gore and comedy. And let me mention James Costa who plays Larry has to be dedicated as he has had a part in all three features. I give the film 3 out of 4 stars. You can find details about the film and purchasing it at www.facebook.comibsmovie.com .

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