Gross Movie Reviews #282
By Tim Gross
Abominable Snowman (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Adrian Paul stars as a helicopter pilot who takes an old friend’s son up a snowy mountain for him to search for answers about his father or just kill the CGI gray bear they call the Abominable Snowman. Either or, you know what you are in for the next 85 minutes or so. People getting their asses handed to them in this terrible film starring shitty snow beasts. But in my opinion we need more Sasquatch films… starring Lance Henriksen. I give it 1 star.
Descendents (DVD) – So I sat down and finally watched this foreign zombie film from Chile that apparently was originally titled Solos before it got its release here in America. And I wasn’t impressed and felt like I should start drilling holes into my head Hebert West style for attempting to watch this zombie flick about an airborne virus that has affected everyone except a few children that seem immune to the virus. The story follows a nine year old who is trying to make it to the ocean because her mother told her she’ll be safe there and a big crayon drawn octopus will come out of the ocean and piss me off for watching this shit! I give the film 0 stars.
The Puppet Monster Massacre (DVD) – A wonderfully funny and beautiful horror film starring puppets that will have you screaming for more. Some kids are invited to spend the night in the Wagner mansion to hopefully win a million dollars. In fun old school horror genre fashion you have the girl, the nerd, the nervous kid, and the bad ass couple who have sex in the graveyard… But soon they learn they are being eaten by a horrible creature that just happens to be the creation of an evil doctor who is trying to complete his work he did in WWII. And the evil doctor known as Wagner wants revenge of course too which why he invited the teenagers. The horrible creature grows with each meal until he is fighting an army of US soldiers outside of the mansion. At this point this is where the film breaks into complete fun bloody chaos in the last ten minutes. Dustin Mills who wrote and directed the film should be congratulated in giving us the second greatest puppet horror movie, “Meet the Feebles” being the first of course. I give this flick 4 stars.
Vampire (VHS) – An old school vampire flick that stars Richard Lynch as the evil blood sucker who just happens to be brought back to life when a ground breaking ceremony for a new church disturbs the area Richard Lynch was buried at. E.G. Marshall plays a former police detective who is curious of the ground breaking site because of what happen there 40 years ago to his partner. A few weeks pass and Richard Lynch comes to a party to discuss some business matters with Jason (The Exorcist) Miller to discuss of the lost paintings that world hasn’t seen in centuries that just so happens to be near the ground breaking. Soon after Miller’s wife is killed by the evil vampire, Miller and E.G. Marshall set out to destroy Lynch. A classic vampire film where holy water, crosses, and daylight still affect the vampire, but also the evil vampire is played by the legendary Richard Lynch who plays it perfect. I give the film 3 stars.
Blood Creek (DVD) – A German road scholar contacts German immigrants here in the US in the late 30s to ask their consent to come live with them. The German farmers were not sure what they were about to sign on for once he came and began to read through some old books about the occult. Flash forward 70 years later and a paramedic is taking care of his crippled father and his missing war hero brother’s kids. After taking the kids trick or treating, sleeping during a horrible rain storm the paramedic’s missing brother played by Dominic Purcell wakes him and tells him he needs to help him get revenge. Purcell’s character is giving full disclosure to his brother but his brother follows him anyway to figure out what the hell is going on. Purcell’s character hell bent on killing the family that kept him captive figures out during his rage something else was going on and he was only a small part of it. The German farmers have had a secret for the past 70 years: a) they don’t age and b) They locked the road scholar in the basement as he is pure evil and needs blood to live. So the farmers have kidnapped people over the years to keep the creature, thing, road scholar in the basement. But now he is loose and wants to complete his process of becoming an unstoppable Nazi demon. The only set back of the film is it takes quite a while to develop but once it gets going this horror flick is just fucking bad ass on all levels! This overlooked horror flick is well worth the buy folks as I give it 3 ½ stars. For the love of god people there is a scene where an undead horse breaks through a window and starts chomping on this dude’s shoulder like it were rump roast!
Death Moon (VHS) – A beyond horrible 1978 werewolf film that happens to take place in Hawaii of all places. But anyway this stressed out dude is told he needs a vacation and begins having dreams of weird people dancing around like they are warding away evil spirits and wearing werewolf masks. Soon women are being shredded on a nightly basis at the hotel and the authorities are at a loss on who or what it can be. Its bad folks, it makes the Twisted Brain aka Horror High transformation done by Rick Baker! I give it a ½ star.
Spike (DVD) – A useless piece of shit so called horror film about four people who get a flat tire and drive far into the woods only to be attacked by a thing that is covered in spikes that just happens to be a dude. And did I mention he wants to bang the one girl in the buckeye and get have her live him forever. The film tries to be a horror fairy tale that fails on levels and should make the filmmaker question going into a different field than filmmaking. I give this flick nothing star wise!
Heebie Jeebies (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Five Asian dudes are left in a caved-in gold mine in the 1840s only to come back from the dead as horrible disfigured vengeance demons in 2013 when two dudes looking for gold in an abandoned mine disturbs their resting place. Soon the small southern town is being littered with murders and missing gold. Surprisingly the film has Jennifer Rubin do a cameo and the screenplay written by Trent Haaga. The film is nor good or bad but just more of a time filler which was a step up from SyFy’s last effort Abominable Snowman. I give it 2 stars.
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