Gross Movie Reviews #276

Gross Movie Reviews #276


By Tim Gross


Dungeons and Dragons: The Book of Vile and Darkness (SyFy Channel/DVD) – SyFy Channel seems hell bent on keeping this non-exciting series alive. Honestly the films that have come before have had a few minor moments, but really besides me and Ed ( Demko’s dad is anybody really noticing these films being released. From the start it has been a somewhat of a misstep. But in my opinion with the recent sequels that seem to have nothing to do with the one before and a much lesser budget the films seem to be better? More interesting? I know it’s crazy and all… But if you are a fan of the role playing game and Magic: The Gathering it seems these films on lesser budgets are actually putting together films that weird nerds such as me can enjoy and not feel bad when we do watch them. But whatever folks if you like fantasy stuff you need to start checking this latest flick for the mere reason there is a cool looking demon child that has to suck on your finger for blood if you wanna pass or gain knowledge! I have to give this flick 2 ½ stars.


Dragonwasps (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Parker Lewis aka Corin Nemac apparently can lose since he has started his recent assault on becoming the new SyFy Channel Saturday night star of 2012. This time around Mr. Nemac plays a military officer who enjoys the jungle and has just got his papers to go back home but first must help a ugly woman find her scientist dad who just happen to be experimenting with killer wasps! Killer wasps that just happen to spit fire from their ass (Ass-blasters from the Tremors series anyone, we are talking SyFy Channel here) and can pick up humans for their nest. The movie of course isn’t all the impressive but made me happy to watch when the baby ass firing wasps are born by exploding through live humans faces. Very fucking cool! If it helps you to watch it Mr. Nemac does happen to kill himself, giant wasps, and a cannibal voodoo terrorist… I give it 2 stars.


Silent Night (Remake/DVD) – I honestly never thought I would see this film being remade. But it finally happened. I guess enough time has passed or as usual Hollywood has run out of ideas for horror flicks but because of the subject matter I just believed this remake would never happen. Now, don’t get me wrong the original Silent Night, Deadly Night is one of my all-time favorite films, ask anyone. I love this flick. But horror fans I am here to tell you I enjoyed the remake… Yes, I said it. But it’s not as good as the original but this remake in the same vein as My Bloody Valentine the filmmaker had knowledge and respects the first film we all know and love. Example: a hot blonde gets impaled on deer antlers by Santa Claus’s hands just like Linnea Quigley’s famous death scene in 1984. But the filmmaker also went out to make the film their own, example: a bitch of a teenager by today’s standards is killed by a cattle prod from the evil Santa. The film plays out like an old school 80s slasher flick and to help this along Malcolm McDowell hams it up as the small town sheriff looking for the killer Santa who also just happens to have a flame thrower. But the biggest difference with this remake is we don’t know who really is the killer Santa and why he is destroying all the naughty folks until the end and then it’s based on an urban legend inside the film. Its bloody, it’s fun, someone dies by a woodchipper, I’m all in as I will patiently wait for a sequel that has his brother ready to go “Garbage Day” on people. I give the remake 3 stars.


12 Disasters of Christmas (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Gotta enjoy SyFy Channel for the mere fact of trying to tie in the holiday and the supposedly end of the world. The film is bad but a fun bad as the world may end in this small Idaho town when the 12 days of Christmas is linked to 12 disasters that will end everything unless this 18 year old girl can stop it. Hate the relatives, then grab a six pack or two and put this flick on to clear the room and give you the miracle of peace. I give the flick 2 stars.


18 Fingers of Death! (DVD) – After watching this flick James Lew now has all my respect in the world like John Saxon. Action film star James Lew writes, directs, produces, acts, and is the stunt coordinator for this film about a B-movie star Buford Lee with an unknown wannabe filmmaker Ronald Mac makes a documentary about his life and tries to raise funds for his next flick. Pat Morita and Lorenzo Lamas join in on the fun of making fun of all the past action stars we all know and love in this comedy about action films. I almost pissed myself when I see Chuck Snorris and Steven Seafood. And how they portray Seagal as Mr. Seafood is dead on and will make fans like myself laugh about it. Think The Onion Movie’s fake flick Cockpuncher. I give this laugh a minute funny take on action flicks 3 stars.


Excalibur (DVD) – With enjoying all the cool 80s fantasy flicks you would have thought I would have sat and watched this flick years ago, but that isn’t the case. Finally sat down and watched this very cool flick about King Arthur and the beginnings of the round table that will make your inner nerd grow an 8 inch boner when you see Merlin fucking up another sorcerer to help King Arthur! I give the flick 3 ½ stars.


Total Recall (Remake/DVD) – I guess it was bound to happen Hollywood would remake a great Arnold flick since Conan was remade. But this time Collin Ferrell is in the lead role as the double agent who has no clue who he actually is but must help the resistance. The remake stays true to most of the original flick exception location is on earth instead of Mars and not as violent but sticks to the original flick more than I thought it would. The film is entertaining and has one my favorite leading ladies Kate Beckinsale but nothing beats Sharon Stone in her heyday kicking Arnold’s ass in the apartment and something from the film seems to be missing when there isn’t the legendary Michael Ironside playing the cool bad ass villain. I give it 2 ½ stars.


Prometheus (DVD) – Yes, being the big Aliens fan that I am I was told several times to stay away from this film but my curiosity got the best of me as good or bad I needed to see this film as I cannot get enough of the Alien films. But after watching the film I can understand why folks were telling me to stay away from the film as it left me with a shitload of questions and no answers and I possibly dislike the film as much as Alien vs. Predator… Wait; hold on maybe close to that because that is a whole other world of suck ass! But supposedly this flick comes before the original Alien film? Maybe? And it explains where humans are truly from… as its 2093 and a crew goes to LV-223 to explore the origins of human life but also find something else. The ending of the film also raises questions of the origin of the alien we all know and love that enjoys spitting acid and feasting on humans to make them chest bursters. I would love to say this film is a prime example why the ‘new’ Hollywood means revisiting old cool material and destroying it but all of us know that it will never stop. My only question is to Mr. Ridley Scott is why can’t we have a direct sequel that has the aliens, colonial marines, Newt, Hicks, and even Sigourney Weaver? And don’t tell me can’t do it, because Hollywood likes to forget everything and restart every five years so that means we can even get the Predators involved, but I know that’s crazy talk but making a prequel to one of the most famous sci-fi flicks ever made and not getting the timeline even right makes all the sense in the world? Even Mr. Charles Band knows what to give the fans when fucking up the timeline… I give the flick 1 star, just because I am a sucker for these flicks good, bad, or just plain fucking horribly disfigured UGLY!


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