Gross Movie Reviews #270
By Tim Gross
Thralls (VHS) – Finally found a Lorenzo Lamas movie where he plays a villain. I’m saying it’s a good movie but saying I finally found one where he isn’t boinking his ex-wife or whatever for four minutes of scene time. Shit that’s what the porn flicks “Screw My Wife” series is for. But anyway if you haven’t already known which I’m sure like me most of you didn’t but this film was also called Blood Angels in Germany or something. Lorenzo Lamas plays this evil vampire who enjoys keeping strippers aka vamps with no powers (supposedly) as prisoners until his assistant makes a mistake one night and they escape to start a nightclub. Shitty acting, lots of gore, and the strippers only being shot from the chest up during fight scenes to hide all the fight doubles makes this one of the more lamer of the Lamas films. But let’s give credit to the former ‘Renegade’; there was drumloads of blood in this flick. I give the film 1 ½ stars.
The Exterminator 2 (VHS) – A couple years go by and Richard Ginty still has the itch to kill all criminals and make sure people still remember ‘The Exterminator’! This time around a young street gang led by a very young looking Mario Van Peebles wants to take over the city’s drug trade and then take over the city itself by killing and raping one person at a time. But Ginty, a large garbage truck, and a flamethrower are fucking up every gang member that follows Peebles character. Not as good as the first film but still worth tracking down for a watch as I give it 2 ½ stars. Look for Irwin Keyes playing a small role as one of the gang members also.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (DVD) – Its London 1931, and a very hard working scientist is caught between trying to test his experimental formula that could change life forever and his love of his life that he wants to marry so badly. Dr. Jekyll wants to prove that his formula works he takes himself and transforms himself into an almost caveman state with brains that is the complete opposite. It does not have the big Universal Monster names we know but is a beautiful masterpiece of a film adaption of the story as I give it 3 stars.
Exit Humanity (DVD) – I always enjoy different kinds of zombie films… This one takes place during the Civil War and does not try to rewrite history but tell a story of a small part of it and what took place years after the war also with a mysterious plague that was first scene by a confederate soldier on the battlefield and believed it was over once the war was over. But the plagued spread and eventually caused the deaths of this man’s wife and child. After their deaths he makes it his final goal in life to wiped the zombie plague out completely but meets an unlikely friend along the way and learns to live again even after he finds out the real answer behind the plague. The film stars Bill Moseley and Dee Wallace. I give the film 3 stars.
Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue: The Evolution of the American Horror Film (DVD) – A film history of horror films narrated by the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen. Lance narrates parts of the documentary in-between filmmakers Joe Dante, Roger Corman, John Carpenter, and Mick Garris talking about certain horror films from the past that help shape the future of horror and gave a great inside look on a lot of our favorite horror classics from over the years. One thing made this documentary very different from others over the years on the genre is they talked all horror films where in the past different documentaries would only include horror films that studio that was distributing the documentary. Plus it doesn’t hurt to have one of the best horror genre actors out there being the narrator. I give it 4 stars.
Camel Spiders (DVD) – The filmmaker with a hundred names (Jim Wynorski) and can make a film in less than a week is back with this feature that has very deadly spiders hitching a ride from the Afghan War on a dead soldier to infest Arizona. The film has some name power in it but doesn’t help this wannabe SyFy Channel CGI-spider film as the local sheriff C. Thomas Howell must help the military to exterminate the killer spiders. I give it 1 star.
Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (DVD) – This time around the famous duo find themselves wrapped up in conspiracy in Cairo, Egypt as a lot of people are searching for the location of the mummy’s gold. At one point Costello swallows the ancient amulet and he is captured by an evil lady who X-rays his chest in order to find out the location of the gold. One problem they all forget is that they must deal with the mummy that guards the treasure. I give this old school funny flick 3 stars.
Gnaw – Food of the Gods 2 (VHS) – This 1988 sequel doesn’t have anything to do with the original 1976 classic but has a generic Jeff Fahey looking scientist who is asked an impossible task of reversing an experiment gone wrong on a child had a growth hormone issue and wasn’t growing. Now, the small child is like 10 feet and pissed off. The scientist tests the samples of the child on his plants and within hours they grow ten times bigger but some caged rats are able eat some of it and escape during a break-in by some college students who are animal lovers. Of course the giant rats start fucking people up! A lot of shitty rubber looking rats but some really cool gore scenes of people having their faces, arms, and legs being eaten off rubber rats make this sequel an unknown horror treat. I give the sequel 2 ½ stars.
The Raven (DVD) – John Cusack plays the famous poet/writer Edgar Allan Poe during his mysterious last days of his life. A fan of Poe’s work begins to take some of the death in Poe’s work seriously and begins to craft them in town all connecting Poe in some way. The killer leaves clues all over Baltimore for Poe to follow and try to figure who may be the killer. But only finds him and rescue his lovely girlfriend when he must face death himself. The film isn’t a horrible train wreck by a long shot but is one of those films that are worth wasting 105 minutes on when you can’t decide on which rerun of “The Walking Dead” you don’t feel like watching for the tenth time… I give the film 2 stars.
Lake Placid: The Final Chapter (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Honestly, they said that about Friday the 13th and we got 7 more of those flicks or six if you are not counting the remake or the Freddy vs. Jason flick. But anyway I love sequels so of course I sat down to watch this SyFy Channel crapfest that just happens to star the crazy ass Yancy Butler and our favorite redneck crocodile hunting redneck Robert Englund. Anyway the small town has learned from its past and has had a very powerful electrical fence built around the lake so to keep the crocs out and the humans alive until by mistake a class field trip parks and camps at the wrong beach! Then crap, more crap, and even more crap happen as the CGI crocs enjoy chopping on the school’s swim team and whores! I give it 1 ½ stars.
Best of the Best 3: No Turning Back (VHS) – Phillip Rhee is back for one more turn as Tommy Lee as he not only acts in the film he also produced and directed the flick also. But don’t be fooled by this just being your paint by numbers generic action flick with a number after as this flick goes for the jugular and tackles ‘white power’ and racism in a small town called, “Liberty”. With the small town falling victim to the growing numbers of ‘white power’ group it’s up to Tommy Lee to end this now before it goes too far as some members only believe in death. The film also stars Dee Wallace and the very sweet looking Gina Gershon and has explosions, fight scenes, Phillip Rhee dressed as a clown fucking racists up with some wicked spin kicks! I was very impressed by this action sequel as it didn’t go the usual route to have a very entertaining action flick. I give the film 3 ½ stars.
Night of the Tentacles (Internet/DVD) – A film written and directed by independent filmmaker Dustin Wayde Mills which usually people that go by all three names are going to be a famous filmmaker or crazed serial killer… But anyway imagine if Crispin Glover just got done with Friday the 13th Part 4 and just stepped onto the set of Basket Case with even a less budget Henenlotter had back in the day! No shit kiddies. Dave (the bootleg version of Crispin Glover) is a 24 year old man who lives a depressing life where he can’t stand the neighbors nightly loud boinking, the odd landlord, and jerks off to the pregnant girl (Ester) downstairs while listening to her do her thing also all because he cannot ask her out officially. But when Dave’s heart gives out one night after jerking it and has surgery he is visited by the one and only Satan to make a deal to give Dave a heart that works. In return Dave must feed the heart two bodies a week or the deal is off. So Dave must now deal with killing people, the woman from upstairs bitching about plumbing, wanting to boink the pregnant girl, and trying to take his dog for a walk or until it is eaten. Call it a strange love story, call it a great mix of elements from Lovecraft and Henenlotter, I call it one hell of independent horror film that Mr. Mills should be proud of. So Mr. Mills stop the killing spree you may have a filmmaking career going for you… I give the strange love story of a horror film 3 ½ stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/nightofthetentacles or www.facebook.com/dustinmillsproductions . For the love of god people you will really enjoy a film that begins with a line from the opening scene of the film where a dude is banging his woman from behind and yells, “I’m gonna fuck you like a truck… I’m a Mack Truck”. Which in response his woman says, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
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