Gross Movie Reviews #286

By Tim Gross

Martyrs (DVD) – One of the most talked about horror films in recent years along with titles: Inside, Frontiers, Rec series, etc. The film begins with a young girl named Lucie who is picked up from the streets running practically naked and a bloody mess. Years later after being in an orphanage and finding one friend who refuses to leave the side of Lucie. Years later and Lucie is still haunted by dreams and events of her past she cannot remember but come to hurt her on a regular basis. After establishing Lucie’s character in the first twenty minutes, we see her grown up and kicking in a door and blowing large holes in a family’s chest cavity with a double barrel shotgun! After the massacre Lucie calls her best and only friend to explained what happened. Her friend in disbelief tries to figure out why, but in some strange way understands what Lucie did as she claims these are the people who did the horrific things to her as a child. From there the film goes in a weird, brutal, and completely off the rails in a magnificent beautiful way. Lucie’s friend is unprepared for what she is about to find and the movie is like horror movie fan orgasm on screen. What I really enjoyed about the film is the ending that really leaves you the viewer to decide what has been done or seen? I give this intense horror flick 3 stars.

Flying Monkeys (SyFy Channel/DVD) – It’s the Invisible Man vs. the ‘Outbreak’ monkey!!! If you are not a super SyFy Channel nerd like Ed Demko’s dad and myself its Vincent Ventresca giving his daughter a pet monkey for her graduation present in Gale, Kansas. One problem is the monkey just happens to be the last ancient demon monkey from China that becomes a flesh eating flying monkey at night! Luckily the monkey has become friends with the young teenager and is keeping his friends at bay when they want to eat her guts! Meanwhile, the monkey can multiply when it is stabbed, shot, bashed in, simply killed… Unless it is killed by an ancient weapon it multiplies like gremlins. I’m sorry but this movie had me when the little ass monkey changes into the demon monkey in the girl’s spare room. The film is very craptastic and I give it 2 stars.

Spirits (VHS) – Erik Estrada plays a priest in a Fred Olen Ray that has Estrada’s character trying to run from his past but must now face it as a house is possessed and Estrada may know the answer? The film also stars my favorite scream queens Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens, so even if you think the film sucks out loud at least you have 80s eye candy. I give the film 2 stars.

Saw 3D aka Saw 7(DVD) – The series has gone completely to the realm of ridiculousness but that is where I started to enjoy this series of films. Detective Hoffman who has been putting all of Jigsaw’s plans together is now running out of people and traps. It has supposedly come to the end except Tobin Bell’s wife has kept one thing from the detective and that is he was supposed to be put in a trap so Hoffman understands the sacrifice. Once out of the trap the detective begins to set up his getaway and end everything. But the intriguing set piece in this mess of a sequel is Cary Elwes character Dr. Gordon who being one of the first to survive one of Jigsaw’s traps is following Hoffman and a man who claimed to survive one of the legendary traps but was never in one. I believe if there the series somehow continues it will be with Dr. Gordon as the new Jigsaw and to me that would be awesome. Cary Elwes is good for the series and the genre. I give the sequel 2 ½ stars.

Zombie High (VHS) – Virginia Madsen best known for her role in ‘Candyman’ plays an 18 year old high school girl who gets a scholarship to a prep school and moves in with her new friend Sherilyn Fenn. Madsen’s boyfriend is concern as he has read information that strange things have gone on at the school. But strange doesn’t explain why there aren’t any zombies in this film that came a decade before ‘Disturbing Behavior’ and a decade after ‘The Stepford Wives’. Not exactly the best of films but Virginia’s character soon finds out everyone is becoming unemotional students in order for the faculty to live forever. Partly the reason for the film being bloodless is that I have dug up some information explaining it was a USC student film before it became a feature and most of the actors and locations were free. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Zombie Nation (DVD) – A horrible 2004 low budget zombie film some horror fans have declared the new “worst horror film ever made”. The film centers on an officer of the law that because of his deranged childhood he pulls over young women who are not really breaking the law and arrests them. Then he takes them to a closed furniture warehouse where he abuses them, kills them, and then dumps the body. Through voodoo the young ladies are now part of the undead population and seek revenge. Watching the film is like eating glass and walking on hot coals for 80 minutes even with a cameo appearance from David Hess as a priest being concerned for the officer in one scene. I give it 0 stars, but go check it out and let me know if you think it’s the new “Troll 2”.

Monster Brawl (DVD) – Some hick decides to put two of his favorite things in life together: wrestling and monsters. He puts the invite out and gets eight monsters or creatures to fight to the death to be the Monster Brawl champ. David Foley and Art Hindle are the wrestling commentary personal who nail the part down perfectly. Also we have Lance Henriksen narrating, Kevin Nash as a manager of ‘Zombie-man’, and the legendary wrestling manager Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart! The movie is a lot of fun and I believe was aimed at The Monster Squad crowd. I know if I was 14 years old and knew this existed I think my teenaged sex crazed brain would explode! I give this fun monster romp 3 ½ stars.

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo (SyFy Channel/DVD) – I always enjoy films I can’t even imagine and usually SyFy Channel comes through with it. Erik Estrada plays a DEA agent who is having a tough time with his daughter as today is the anniversary of his wife’s death and he promised to visit the cemetery with his daughter. But Cinco De Mayo has something has in store for the DEA agent as he finds out man-eating dogs known as Chupacabras have been using the drug tunnel from Mexico to the U.S. to make their way over the border to feast on people! This is what family entertainment is all about… I just hope in the sequel The Alamo teams with Ozzy Osborne to face the tag team of Gatoroid and the Chupacabras? Just when you think there is a line that SyFy won’t cross, they cross it. So sit back and enjoy the fake motorcycle riding scenes with Erik Estrada as I give the film 1 star.

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