Gross Movie Reviews #272

By Tim Gross

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (DVD) – JCVD and Dolph are back again causing havoc in the world but this time JCVD (Luc Devereux) is the villain. Devereux is recruiting all the soldiers who have been cloned by the government as the ‘Universal Soldier’ program still rolls on. But Scott Adkins who plays John just happens to have his wife and daughter killed by Devereux and does not quite understand why. Several months later John comes out of his coma and searches for answers he begins to have visions of Devereux after being stabbed with a needle and told he has been set free. Wanting answers he begins searching harder and begins to believe he was part of the secret program. Here is where Scott’s character gets in several awesome bloody fights: one he cuts a dude’s foot in half, a second which takes place inside sporting goods store and has to be one of the baddest ass fights of the year, a third he fights voodoo painted JCVD, and another where Dolph takes a machete to the face. Once again this sequel doesn’t disappoint and delivers the action goods as JCVD and Dolph were just awesome and Scott Adkins just kicks everybody’s ass! This series keeps getting better with each entry as I have to give this flick 4 stars. And you will not forget JCVD’s skull drinking scene!

Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (VHS) – The early 90s film also called “Panga” in some countries has Christopher Lee starring as a doctor in South Africa 1950 who wants to have ultimate power. This all begins when a woman takes the sacrificial lamb from a tribe who was about to kill it. When she does, she is cursed and all her family begins dying. I give it 1 star.

A Night at the Movies: The Horrors of Stephen King (TCM/YouTube/DVD) – Its 60 minutes of Stephen King just going through the years and years of horror movies explaining what scared him, what he thought was effective, and talks about his good friends George Romero and John Carpenter. King even talks about a few of his movie adaptions of his books. It’s interesting to hear what King has to say and worth wasting the 60 minutes on. I give it 2 ½ stars.

The Definitive Document of the Dead (DVD) – Synapse Films releases Roy Frumkes documentary with updated interviews, behind the scenes talks with George Romero on sets of his dead films from over the years, and has interviews with Bill Lustig, Lori Cardille, Kyra Schon, and many others. Not only does the documentary give you inside looks of Dawn of the Dead but goes into detail with some of the key people behind the camera with Romero as they cover Martin extensively which will make many Romero fans extremely happy. This documentary is the ultimate fan film of George Romero and his work and will keep Romero fans happy until his next project. Mr. Frumkes did a wonderful job of not only capturing what Romero was doing in 1978, but was able to get Romero to open up and talk about all his films on set of many of his projects he may not have talked about at appearances or conventions. For the real die hards Synapse includes a new commentary by filmmaker Roy Frumkes who sounds excited to talk about Romero now as much as he did in 1978. Romero fans make sure you shamble your way over to www.synapse-films.com to pick up this masterpiece of a documentary of a great man as I give it 4 out of 4 stars.

Joe Bob Briggs Monstervision: Funhouse (DVD-R) – This film gets destroyed in the editing room by TNT censors but that doesn’t stop Joe Bob from ragging on the TNT censors and explaining the whole Tobe Hooper and Steven Spielberg saga on Poltergeist.  I give it 2 ½ stars for the mere reason Joe Bob can make anything entertaining.

Asylum aka I want to be a Gangster (DVD) – So a guy name Jack who runs  a scam with a partner on so called high rollers to make easy money and feel like they are some kind of a gangster, why the name of the film. But when Jack and his partner get in some trouble with a big mob boss, after paying the price Jack does some snooping around town and finds out the so called big mob boss is low on the totem pole and gets him screwed over. Because of this Jack is rewarded with being a part of the real gangster world. But as usual an unlucky Jack makes a bad mistake and in the gangster world that is never a good thing as Jack is left for dead chained to a tree in the middle of nowhere. And here is where the Jack’s story gets interesting. The film is not your typical paint by numbers gangster flick and is rich with the story of Jack’s character. Jack and his tale of being a gangster will suck you in to the point you find yourself watching it a second time. I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

Curse of the Blue Lights (VHS) – A low budget zombie flick from the late 80s that spent all its money on zombie make-up and none on sets and actors. Some kids follow some blue lights along the riverbank after telling the local legend only to eventually be tracked down by some hideous talking ghouls and eventually eaten. The movie does not move along well but the cool looking evil ghouls who are trying to get the medallion to rule the world or at least bring a fucked up statue to life are the highlight of this John Henry Johnson horror flick. Never heard of the film before I watched it and reviewed it and most likely for good reason as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Drive Angry (DVD) – Nic Cage in 3-D! Any other time that would most likely suck but this film fits Nic Cage like a glove and is a hot mess of a muscle car driving demon from hell looking to save his daughter kind of film. Cage isn’t so much a demon as much as a dead man named Milton who escaped hell after his daughter was viciously killed and her baby stolen by a hippie priest who believes he is preparing for a new world… This film borders on the insane as you forgive the film’s CG heavy scenes for the absolutely crazy shit that happens as Milton is trying to find his granddaughter. Between the car chases, Milton shooting people’s hands and legs off, and the ultra-hot Amber Heard fighting her ex-boyfriend you are just bombarded with one hell of a great flick that you don’t get to see often. Come on drink the Kool-Aid and strap yourself in because this flick is Cage’s best since Con Air! I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

Zombiethon (VHS) – First released in the mid-80s by Wizard Video is compilation of movie clips from such zombie film classics: Zombie, Zombie Lake, The Invisible Dead, etc., with little clips of film in between where women are being forced to a theater full of zombies watching Zombiethon. It’s like a zombie version of Terror in the Aisles. The film has been rereleased recently under Charles Band’s Grindhouse label for horror fans to own again. It’s fun to watch once but it’s not the same as it was when the film first came out since most if not almost all films are more available to horror and zombie fans these days. I give it 2 stars.

Sheena (VHS) – A very boring movie that stars Beastmaster’s Tanya Roberts as a jungle woman much like Tarzan where her parents were killed during a cave-in and a witch doctor raises her. Now grown, people threaten to take over her tribe’s land and she must fight them to stop them from taking over the land. If I want to watch her best flick I’ll stick with Beastmaster I give the flick a ½ star.

Tales from Mutantville (DVD) – Another independent anthology of short films that comes off more like “Tales from the Darkside” and looks much more professionally done than most independent anthologies. Tales from Mutantville has the goddess or Muticia the goddess introduce and say her final thoughts of the three films that are shown. The first is Indigo Child from S. Brent Bowers about a series of murders in a small town that may involve a priest? The second film is Family Fiend from George ‘Geo’ Blalock where people are trapped in a cabin and they most get murdered. The third and final film is Scarecrow at Midnight from J.T. McRoberts that involves a girl named Sonya who just wanted to mind her own business on Halloween until some old friends pay her a visit. But there was also two short films in the extras and one of them Devil Come Down might be the gem of the DVD as it’s a story of a zombie’s point of view and its fear… But also look around the menus and you’ll find an Easter egg that just happens to be the abandoned film in 2003-2004 by Mutantville Productions and also their first project called “Zombie Hunter”. Again the anthology was very professionally done and has a much different feel than most independent anthologies as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. You can support Mutantville Productions and purchase the film at www.mutantville.com .

Deadly Eyes (VHS) – This has always been the one giant rat film I have never seen. Well I got to see part of it long ago but it always seem like it was hard for me to find it… until now. The 1982 horror film was adapted from a book called “The Rats” which the film uses the title in many other countries when it was released to video in 1983. The giant rats are caused by some steroided up corn feed on the docks that is burned becauseof it being contaminated. This causes the rats to move into the city’s sewer system and soon into the back alleys biting and attacking random victims. One of the random victims just happens to be a toddler they fucking tear to shreds which was a gruesome but very cool scene! And we can’t forget Scatman Crothers who goes into the sewer system for the Department of Health only to get his face chewed on by these shitty looking prop rats. The prop rats really look like shit but they more than made up for it with the face eating, baby shredding, neck chomping gore that goes on. I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

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